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Jewish World Review June 26, 2003 / 26 Sivan, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

Private Lynch as public Lynch | Let's hear it for CBS. It is the first network to make a serious bid for the Pvt. Jessica Lynch story. They have officially offered her exclusive interview rights with somebody like Mike Wallace, a $100 million movie, a program on MTV, worldwide book rights and an office to handle advertising sponsorship.

The reason they could offer all these things is that CBS is part of Viacom, which owns a TV network, cable channels, a motion picture company, a giant book publishing company and an office that packages celebrity testimonials.

At the moment, Pvt. Lynch can't respond to anyone because she is still in the Army and recovering from serious injuries.

This did not stop CBS from coming up with the offer. They maintain if they didn't do it first another network would.

The Cross Breeding Broadcasting Network has also been putting a package together. The spokesperson, Sonia Spin, said, "We are now working on a plan to put the CBS offer to shame."

"How could you possibly top them?"

"We're going to offer Jessica her own reality show. Each week she will interview a platoon of Marines, paratroopers or Navy flyers and decide which one she will date."

"The Pentagon will love that," I said.

"And we're offering to give her her own cable station in West Virginia. It's like owning a money printing machine."

"Will people be able to get 'Law and Order,' 'Seinfeld' and Jerry Springer on it?"

"Yes, and also war movies with John Wayne, Oral Roberts' ministries and reruns of 'The Guiding Light.'"

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"I guess the big deal is the movie. How are you going to portray Jessica?"

"We are working on the script. We want Julia Roberts to play Pvt. Lynch and Arnold Schwarzenegger to play her foxhole pal."

"I hope you can get him."

"We can unless he runs for governor of California. If we can't get Arnold, we'll get Tom Cruise. Our writers have handed in the scene where Arnold and Jessica kill 65 Iraqi soldiers before they run out of ammunition."

"Jessica says she can't remember anything after her vehicle crashed," I said.

"That is why we can write anything we want. In our movie, she gets captured and is taken to one of Saddam's palaces. Then the big scene comes when Gene Hackman and Tom Hanks rescue her with the Delta Force and Navy SEALs. Of course the Pentagon will give us everything we need."

"That tops anything CBS can do. And the book will follow?"

Sonia said, "We will get a ghost writer for Jessica like Jayson Blair. He is known for his imaginative writing and he can be trusted."

I said, "The only thing left are the commercials."

"We'll have Jessica wearing her Army uniform, carrying a gun. She will do spots for Avon, Bayer aspirin, McDonald's hamburgers and GI Joe dolls."

"Everything you have told me so far has class. Why the furor?"

"All the other conglomerates are jealous. We are only doing what any network would do, except we will be doing it better."

"I would hate to be Jessica, the way everyone keeps throwing money at her."

Ms. Spin said, "That's the American Dream."

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

06/17/03: First Ladies books
06/13/03: Father image
06/05/03: OUT of GAS
06/03/03: Liars can make money
05/30/03: Spam the Greatest Generation
05/28/03: The Democratic solution
05/09/03: Suits on television
04/30/03: Americo-Shaft Airlines
04/22/03: More time with the kids
04/03/03: Rebuilding Baghdad
03/25/03: The Five Saddam Husseins
03/04/03: Tax free defense
02/27/03: Yelling at the TV
02/20/03: The fight for duct tape
02/14/03: Losing your identity
02/05/03: Whose reality is it?
01/17/03: Foreign Affairs for Dummies
01/15/03: No-news stories
01/13/03: The last pill
01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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