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Jewish World Review July 25, 2002 / 16 Menachem-Av, 5762

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

House for rent | You don't have to own a house to go on vacation. You can rent one, as many people do. It can make for an odd relationship.

Landlord: Here are the keys for the month of August. I know you'll be happy. (I should have charged him a lot more than $3,000. He got a steal.)

Renter: Thanks so much. I look forward to living here. (It's a shack, and not even worth $500 a week.)

Landlord: The washing machine is in the basement. (When it works.)

Renter: My wife wanted to know where the linen closet is. (He probably left us two towels and two washcloths.)

Landlord: Enjoy the garden. (I won't tell him it's full of poison ivy.) Renter: I like the hammock in the backyard. (The ropes are so worn I don't dare get into it.)

Landlord: The garbage disposal is great. (When it's working and doesn't clog up.)

Renter: How are the neighbors?

Landlord: The salt of the earth. (There is no sense telling him that the guy next door has kids who party all night, and he cuts his lawn at 7 o'clock in the morning.)

Renter: Charlie, our dog, likes to sleep in our bed.

Landlord: That's nice. (He didn't tell me he had a dog. I wouldn't have rented him the place.)

Renter: It's nice that the house is a "walk to the beach." (If you like a five-mile walk.)

Landlord: The cleaning woman's name is Rosita and she comes once a week to change the sheets. She'll do anything you ask her to. (She's afraid not to, because she's an illegal alien.)

Renter: Why do those cement trucks keep driving past the house?

Landlord: Don't pay any attention to them. (The guy next door is building a new house and the trucks have right of way on our property.)

Renter: Which one is the guestroom?

Landlord: The one with no curtains. We ordered them a month ago, but you know how those people are. (What does he want for $3,000, the Ritz Carlton?)

Renter: How do you work the outside shower?

Landlord: You don't. Because of the drought, the town has banned it. (I'm not going to tell him the inside shower doesn't work either.)

Renter: Well, that about does it. It's going to be a summer we will never forget.

Landlord: We hope so. May I have the $1,000 check for breakage? (He'll never get his deposit back.)

Renter: Here you are. (I'll never get my deposit back.)

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07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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