Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review July 23, 2002 / 14 Menachem-Av, 5762

Art Buchwald

Art Buchwald
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Doin' time | Prisoner 3423 was shown into his cell at Leavenworth. It was occupied by prisoner 3970. Thirty-nine-seventy held his hand out and said, "My name is Dude. What's yours?"

Prisoner 3423, without shaking hands, said, "Lambert."

Dude said, "What are you in for?"

Lambert replied, "I was the CEO for one of the largest energy and TV companies in America-and they caught me. That is to say, I borrowed $3 billion and laundered another two."

Dude whistled, "I never heard of anyone going to jail for that."

Lambert said, "What did you do?"

"I beat up my brother-in-law because he wouldn't pay me the $50 he owed me. You must feel terrible about being in a place like this."

"I had no choice. I agreed to four years in a deal we made that if I turned state's witness and testified against all the other executives in my company, they would put me in a witness protection program and I could live in Palm Beach under another name."

"Would your wife and children have new identities too?"

"No, because in order to plea-bargain I had to turn them into the Justice Department. What choice did I have?"

Dude said, "They didn't make a deal to give me any time off for beating up my brother-in-law. I knocked out four of his teeth. I guess you must be big time. What kind of car do you drive, man?"

"I have a dozen cars in each of my parking garages."

"You puttin' me on?"

"Do I look like somebody who would put you on? I have a yacht and five airplanes and a chateau in Aspen."

"What's a chateau and what's an aspen?"

"Oh forget it. I want the top bunk."

"I get the top bunk. I was here first."

"I'll give you $25,000 in my company's stock option plan."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about. If you want to sleep on the top bunk, you're going to pay through the nose. I want a carton of cigarettes every week. Now that's real money."

"I don't have any cigarettes."

"You can buy them at the prison store on Thursday. But if you don't have any butts by then you're going to sleep on the floor.

"Dude, if you behave yourself, you can work for me when you get out. I could use a bodyguard who's good with his fists."

Like this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment on JWR contributor Art Buchwald's column by clicking here.

07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

© 2002, TMS