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Jewish World Review June 6, 2002 / 26 Sivan, 5762

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

The FBI changes its ways | Even though J. Edgar Hoover is turning over in his grave, the FBI is changing its ways. The priority now is terrorism, and crime may be on the back burner.

This is what could happen.

"Is this the FBI?"

"It's not Pizza Hut."

"I have a tip for you. I just saw John Dillinger, the notorious bank robber, enter a movie with a redhead. He looked armed and dangerous."

"We don't do bank robbers anymore. Did you notice if he had any explosives in his shoes?"

"He might have. I just wanted to alert you."

"Look, mister. If we had to tie up our agents with bank-robbing cases, we'd never find out where Osama bin Laden is hanging out. Call back in a couple of weeks and if Dillinger is still with the redhead, let us know."

"Is this the FBI?"

"All our lines are busy. Please wait for the next available agent. Your call is very important to us and will be taped for our files."

Twenty-five minutes later someone answers the phone.

"FBI. I can't talk to you about drugs because we've reduced our drug department to two undercover agents in Mexico."

"This is Senator Boogle. One of my constituents was appointed to the Global Warming Committee last year, and he still hasn't been cleared by the FBI."

"We don't have time to clear people in the government. He will have to wait his turn like everybody else."

"How long will that be?"

"If he's lucky, we should finish our paperwork by 2005."

The phone rings again. "Mr. Hanssen, the traitor, is unable to come to the phone. He is either in solitary or being squeezed dry by our agents."

Next call. "Have you given any executives at Enron lie detector tests, since they have certainly committed criminal acts?"

"The FBI has gone out of the white collar crime business."

"Suppose I told you some of their people are terrorists?"

"No kidding? We'll get on their case right away."

"Am I speaking to the Federal Bureau of Investigation?"


"I just saw Bonnie and Clyde."


"They were taking flying lessons in Minneapolis."

"Everybody takes flying lessons in Minneapolis."

The changeover in the Bureau is proceeding faster than anyone thought it would. The phones are being manned at all times. One of the most interesting changes is that the FBI has taken the CIA off its most wanted list. One of the major ones is that the FBI is accepting calls from whistleblowers. This is something J. Edgar Hoover would never have agreed to.

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06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

© 2002, TMS