Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review April 26, 2002 / 14 Iyar, 5762

Art Buchwald

Art Buchwald
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Homeland security | It's hard to believe, but Las Vegas has just won the title of "Best Homeland Security Town in America." I went there to find out why.

The first thing I learned is that Vegas has its own satellite in the sky, looking down on the roofs of all the casinos. On the roof of each casino are men staring at TV monitors that show everything going on in the casinos. They are particularly watching the floor bosses. The floor bosses are watching the pit bosses, who are watching the dealers, who are watching the crapshooters. The customers are watching the dealers in hopes of hitting blackjack.

Security men at all the doors are watching everyone come in and out of the casino. Single men are watching chorus girls and single women are watching chorus guys.

The youngsters are watching the animals in the cages and the animals are watching the children.

And the IRS is watching EVERYBODY 24 hours a day.

The film "Ocean's Eleven" showed a group of men robbing a bank at the Bellagio. The reason they allowed the producers to film there is that it could never happen in real life.

Sig Rogich, my informant, said, "Many of the ideas now used by homeland security originated here in Las Vegas years ago. For example, in the good old days, before the town became respectable, the dealers had to stretch out their arms to make sure they weren't hiding any chips in their armpits. It was known as the Bugsy Siegel Stretch."

"In the old days, did the casinos make women empty their handbags?"

"Only if they went over their limit at the slot machines."

Rogich continued. "The beauty of Las Vegas is that everyone knows they are being watched, so they're not upset by it."

I said, "And everyone expects to win, so they don't care who is watching them as long as the watchers promise them the jackpot. What keeps the customers so happy?"

"The shows, the food and the lights. Everyone is willing to pay a price for being strip-searched."

"Is it true that the high rollers are spared the indignities of homeland security?"

"High rollers fit a certain profile, and the casinos want to make them as comfortable as possible. Therefore, we have private rooms where the big spenders can take off their shoes without missing a deal of the cards."

Comment on JWR contributor Art Buchwald's column by clicking here.

04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

© 2002, TMS