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Jewish World Review March 19, 2002 / 6 Nisan, 5762

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

Celebrity kickers | Peter Pepper, a writer for Very Good Taste Films, went in to see his boss, producer Ezra Brown.

"I've got a great idea," Pepper says. "Let's do a remake of John Garfield's 'Body and Soul.'"

Brown asks, "Why is that such a great idea?"

Pepper replies, "Instead of a story about a male boxer, it will be a woman fighter. The public saw Tonya Harding and Paula Jones fight on television and they are ready for a new thrill."

"Who did you have in mind to play the lead?"

"Monica Lewinsky. Her mother wants her to be an intern, but she would rather be a boxer."

"What makes this different from any other boxing picture?"

"Monica can also fight with her feet. We'll call it 'She Had No Kicks Coming.'"

"Like they fight in Thailand," Brown says.

"Monica wins a championship fight but kicks her opponent, Madonna, above the waist. After that Madonna can't think straight, which makes Monica feel guilty."

"What's the love story?"

Pepper says, "Monica is dumped by someone high in government circles. We don't get to know until the end of the picture who he is, but we hope to get Martin Sheen of 'West Wing' to play him.

"In the beginning of the movie, Monica is in love the boy next door, Arnold Schwarzenegger. This should get us an R rating."

Pepper continues, "After winning the championship, Monica winds up dumping Schwarzenegger and takes up with Sheen. They kick up a storm in the West Wing of the White House.

"Then Monica gets involved with the mob. The mob being HBO, 'Good Morning America,' 'The Today Show,' and Barbara Walters. She has an extra 15 minutes of fame when she kicks David Letterman in the groin."

"Then what?"

"Monica's fame has gone to her head and she only takes on second-rate fighters. She gets in the clutches of 'Celebrity Kickers' and they make her throw her next fight, with Nicole Kidman."

"That will make a great ending."

Pepper says, "Every woman who loves boxing will want to see it."

Brown gets excited. "We could make Monica a female Mike Tyson."

Pepper says, "What makes the story poignant is, at the end, Monica tries to go back to her mother and Schwarzenegger. But it's too late. She knows her next fight has been fixed and she has to make a choice of going along with the fix or going into the handbag business."

Brown says "I like it all. If 'Celebrity Boxing' wins an Emmy for Fox, we can win an Oscar for 'She Had No Kicks Coming.'"

Comment on JWR contributor Art Buchwald's column by clicking here.

03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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