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Jewish World Review July 2, 2002 / 22 Tamuz, 5762

Art Buchwald

Art Buchwald
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Consumer Reports

So you want to win? | The latest reality show, "So You Want to Be A Greedy Millionaire," is one of the most popular on the air. This week the contestants are Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco, Ken Lay of Enron, Gary Winnick of Global Crossing, John Rigas of Adelphia, Sam Waksal of ImClone, and Bernie Ebbers of WorldCom.

The contestants are competing for another billion to go with their vast fortunes.

Regis Philbin is the emcee and a grand jury is in the audience.

The first test the contestants face is to swim from New York to Bermuda in shark (i.e., lawyer)-infested waters, deposit a satchel of money in their offshore accounts, and swim back again.

Then come the questions, such as:

"How many dummy companies does it take to screw a stockholder?"

"What is the best country to launder your money in?"

"How many people do you call to give inside information to?"

If a contestant doesn't know, he may make one telephone call to his accountant. If the contestant still can't give the correct answer, he can be subpoenaed by the Justice Department or a congressional committee.

But the players can stay in the game by taking the Fifth Amendment.

The contestants will also be judged on patriotism and their love of America. They may sing "G-d Bless America" or play it on their accordion.

Then they have to tell how they gave to the Red Cross or the Boy Scouts or some other tax-deductible organization.

Regis will then question them on how much money they donated to political parties and what politicians did for them in return.

They will also be judged on their lifestyles. The contestants may show photographs of their homes, their yachts, their private planes and their wives' jewelry.

The winner gets the billion and the one who does the worst is declared the weakest link and gets five years in prison.

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06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

© 2002, TMS