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Jewish World Review July 11, 2002 / 2 Menachem-Av, 5762

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

Just desserts | Martha Stewart refused to do her stint on the "The Early Show." Everyone has his/her theory of why.

This is mine.

The subject was dessert, but Martha wanted to talk about her trouble instead.

The producer said, "Martha, how do you make a walnut cake?"

Martha said, "I refuse to answer on the grounds it will incriminate me."

"You don't have to tell us the whole secret, but give us a hint as to how many walnuts you put in the cake."

"I'd rather talk about my business relations with Sam Waksal."

"Don't you need two sticks of unsalted butter, three eggs, separated, and a cup of sour cream?"

"My lawyers said I can't talk about the pound cake or any other dessert while it's in the oven."

"You've made a lot of desserts in your time. Have you ever made one that didn't pan out?"

"No, I've always made money on my desserts. Recently my soufflés have dropped 40 percent, but I hope to make it up with my recipe for devil's food cake. Exactly how I make my desserts is my own personal business. What I do in the stock market is everybody's business."

"Is your cheesecake expensive to make?"

"Not any more expensive than a first-class lawyer. To get the best results, mix a lawyer with an accountant, add an SEC investigator, then flambé them.

"What about an apple crumb tart?"

"I would prefer not to talk about an apple crumb tart right now. I may discuss it later on when the press stops picking on me."

"I love your Mile High Lemon Meringue Pie. I serve it every chance I get."

"Isn't anyone going to ask me if I was involved in insider trading? Why do you think I came on the show?"

"You look pretty in the papers when you're making an apple tart."

"The paparazzi keep following me everywhere in hopes they will get a photograph of me whipping up a Martha's Surprise Cherry Cheesecake."

"The National Enquirer would pay a fortune for it. So if we won't let you talk about your troubles, you won't go back on the air? Well, your cooking is your own business and we can't force you to do it. But so many women follow you that you can't withhold recipes from them."

"Whatever culinary secrets I have are between me and my broker."

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07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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