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Jewish World Review July 30, 2002 / 21 Menachem-Av, 5762

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

Draft all the lawyers | The government is getting worried because it doesn't have enough lawyers to handle all the people who are being investigated and prosecuted for fraud, perjury, and all crimes having to do with outrageous Homeland swindling.

Their plans are so secret that they have been leaked only to the New York Times.

A confidential leaker told me, "The country is going to have to go back to the draft."

"Oh gosh," I said. "Are they going to send our youth into the terrorist jungles armed with subpoenas, writs and grand juries?"

"Any lawyer between the ages of 18 and 35 will be called up to serve his country as a federal prosecutor for four years."

"Can you get out of serving if your father owns stock in a company that has been defrauded?"

"No, there are no exemptions, unless you are finishing studies at the Harvard Business School. Then you can graduate as an officer."

"Is the president for the draft?"

"He's the commander-in-chief and he believes we can't have an honest government without enough troops to fight the 'Wall Street Axis of Evil.' He wants to organize a series of SWAT teams made of elite barristers trained to shoot down the golden parachutes of the CEOs. When it comes to killing the financial plans of innocent investors, he has told his people, 'Take no prisoners.'"

"What job will Cheney hold?"

"Cheney will be second in command and in charge of intelligence."

"Why is that?"

"He is a seasoned veteran and knows the enemy. The draftees will follow him anywhere."

"Do you expect casualties?"

"When you declare war on Big Business you always have casualties. Our troops will face sniping lobbyists, ground-to-air document shredders, and 16-millimeter stock options. We have to fight before we all lose our pensions. At the moment we don't even have enough lawyers to wipe out Enron and Omar Ken Lay."

"So Bush is for the draft?"

"He will tell the country that we will fight the sleazeballs on the ground, on the sea and in the air."

"But he hasn't said anything about the draft yet."

"That's his big surprise. He is counting on drafting the youthful prosecutors to fill the shortage."

"Will he draft women lawyers?"

"Of course. There would be tremendous resentment if the male lawyers went off to war and the women lawyers stayed home to join all the prestigious law firms."

He added, "You can expect large demonstrations against the draft, particularly when the recruits are informed that they will be paid only $75 a month."

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07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

© 2002, TMS