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Jewish World Review Oct. 1, 2002 / 26 Tishrei, 5763
Art Buchwald
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | While many of the major office equipment companies are having a terrible time, there is one business that's booming. The paper shredder industry is having its greatest year. Therefore I paid a visit to the Felony Paper Shredder Co., one of the largest in the world. A vice president, Adam Google, showed me around. "We're working 24 hours a day. Every corporation in America needs them in their offices." "Is this because of the scandals hitting American business?" "You could say that. Not only corporations, but lawyers and accountants are also buying them." Google took me down to the showroom. He pointed out the various models. "One of the best sellers is the Arthur Andersen Mark VII. It can shred 100 lines a second. We're working now to get an Andersen whistleblower to do our commercials. The beauty of the Mark VII is that it also has a laptop model so you can shred documents while you're on an airplane." "How much is it?" I asked. "The one with all the bells and whistles is $25,000, plus a five-year guarantee for parts and service, since all the investigated executives would rather buy a shredder than take the Fifth Amendment." I said, "What is that model over there?" "That's our Enron Personal Crusher. Everyone at Enron was issued one when they joined the company. Even though they are bankrupt, they are still buying Crushers because they have so much to shred and so little time." Next he showed me a model that could make enough confetti to drop on Martha Stewart's headquarters. He said proudly, "This is known as the Waksal Insider. It shreds papers of all those with inside information. It will also make it impossible for the prosecutors to prove Waksal did no more than run the a red traffic light." Then he walked over to a shiny aluminum model called The WorldCom Cutting Edge. Google said, "It is one of the most expensive. It eats up everything on a person's desk. It also is radio-controlled, so it can shred your files when you're not in the office. Bernie Ebbers, the former CEO, swears he couldn't do without it. 'I have a Cutting Edge in my office, one at home, one in the car and one in my barn,' he told me. 'I feed the cuttings to the pigs and they love it.'" I asked Google if his customers ever make mistakes and shred something important they really meant to keep. "Well, the Adelphia people got so nervous they shredded everything in the office, including 'Who's Who.' Once you put paper in the shredders, it's goodbye, Charlie." "What about that one over there? It says NOT FOR SALE." "That's a Tyco Dynamo. It's been recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission." "Why?" I asked. "A Tyco executive was shredding so fast he lost his finger." Like this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
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