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Jewish World Review Oct. 1, 2002 / 26 Tishrei, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports


To shred or not to shred


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | While many of the major office equipment companies are having a terrible time, there is one business that's booming.

The paper shredder industry is having its greatest year. Therefore I paid a visit to the Felony Paper Shredder Co., one of the largest in the world.

A vice president, Adam Google, showed me around.

"We're working 24 hours a day. Every corporation in America needs them in their offices."

"Is this because of the scandals hitting American business?"

"You could say that. Not only corporations, but lawyers and accountants are also buying them."

Google took me down to the showroom. He pointed out the various models.

"One of the best sellers is the Arthur Andersen Mark VII. It can shred 100 lines a second. We're working now to get an Andersen whistleblower to do our commercials. The beauty of the Mark VII is that it also has a laptop model so you can shred documents while you're on an airplane."

"How much is it?" I asked.

"The one with all the bells and whistles is $25,000, plus a five-year guarantee for parts and service, since all the investigated executives would rather buy a shredder than take the Fifth Amendment."

I said, "What is that model over there?"

"That's our Enron Personal Crusher. Everyone at Enron was issued one when they joined the company. Even though they are bankrupt, they are still buying Crushers because they have so much to shred and so little time."

Next he showed me a model that could make enough confetti to drop on Martha Stewart's headquarters.

He said proudly, "This is known as the Waksal Insider. It shreds papers of all those with inside information. It will also make it impossible for the prosecutors to prove Waksal did no more than run the a red traffic light."

Then he walked over to a shiny aluminum model called The WorldCom Cutting Edge.

Google said, "It is one of the most expensive. It eats up everything on a person's desk. It also is radio-controlled, so it can shred your files when you're not in the office. Bernie Ebbers, the former CEO, swears he couldn't do without it. 'I have a Cutting Edge in my office, one at home, one in the car and one in my barn,' he told me. 'I feed the cuttings to the pigs and they love it.'"

I asked Google if his customers ever make mistakes and shred something important they really meant to keep.

"Well, the Adelphia people got so nervous they shredded everything in the office, including 'Who's Who.' Once you put paper in the shredders, it's goodbye, Charlie."

"What about that one over there? It says NOT FOR SALE."

"That's a Tyco Dynamo. It's been recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission."

"Why?" I asked.

"A Tyco executive was shredding so fast he lost his finger."

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

© 2002, TMS