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Jewish World Review Jan. 17, 2003 / 14 Shevat, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Foreign Affairs for Dummies | There is so much going on in the world that every time I get lost I refer to my book, Foreign Affairs for Dummies.

Here is what it says:

QUESTION: If a smoking gun can't be found in Iraq, where can you find one? ANSWER: In North Korea. They announced they have a smoking gun and are proud of it.

Q: If they can't find one in Iraq, why should we unilaterally go there?

A: Because our troops are there. They are prepared to fight in Iraq, but they are not prepared to fight in North Korea. The Bush Administration has been ready to fight in Baghdad for over a year, and if we don't topple Saddam Hussein now the U.S. will have egg on its face.

Q: How much money will it cost us to go into Iraq and find a smoking gun?

A: Probably $200 billion.

Q: So, if we don't go into North Korea we will save $200 billion?

A: That's correct. That way the president can afford to give us another tax cut.

Q: How do our allies feel about this?

A: Most of them are for us, but don't want American troops on their soil if we go to war.

Q: Is it true when the president says that oil is not part of the equation in our foreign policy?

A: Of course it is. When you're acting diplomatically, you can't let petroleum get in the way of liberating a dictatorship.

Q: Is North Korea a dictatorship?

A: Probably, but we can't do anything about it because it's too close to China, and we don't want the Chinese to get mad at us, because they are our best trading partners.

Q: A lot of countries have a smoking gun now-Pakistan, India, China, North Korea, Israel, France and Great Britain, to name a few. How many countries are we going to attack after we wipe out Iraq?

A: We're not necessarily going to attack them. In a lot of cases, we'll just bomb their smoking gun factories.

Q: Can we send UN inspectors into the countries that are suspect?

A: You can't send them into France and Great Britain because you would be violating their sovereignty.

Q: How long will it take to eliminate Saddam from power?

A: Anywhere from two weeks to two years.

Q: And how long will it take for a democratic regime to take his place?

A: Anywhere from two weeks to two years.

Q: Am I going crazy?

A: It's very possible.

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

01/15/03: No-news stories
01/13/03: The last pill
01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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