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Jewish World Review Jan. 15, 2003 / 12 Shevat, 5763

Art Buchwald

Art Buchwald
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Consumer Reports


No-news stories


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | These are the stories that never made the papers last year.

George Hunt, of Baltimore, and his wife, had a terrible fight. Mrs. Hunt got so mad she threw a Bible at him. It hit his chest and George was saved by a bullet he always carried in his pocket for good luck.

Congressman Hourcourt said if re-elected, he "could fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time - but he intends to fool all of the people all of the time."

Everett Flink was off by only one number on the Powerball, and when he showed up at the lottery office they told him to go home.

Artie Hyman embezzled $300 million from his company. He said he could have stolen more but he didn't want to be greedy.

In the same story it turned out Hilda Offenback thought Artie Hyman was "Mr. Right." When she found out he embezzled all that money, she told reporters, "I still love him because I am high maintenance."

A White House staff member, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "A lot of people in the country say the president knows something we don't know. He doesn't know any more than everyone else and that is why we trust him."

The FBI has put the Creator on its Most Wanted list. There is a finder's fee for anyone who can locate him.

A taxi driver in Brooklyn found a briefcase full of money in the back of his cab. His mother told him never to keep anything that wasn't his. He thought about it for 30 seconds and said, "What does she know about it?" Then he drove straight to Atlantic City.

A woman in Easthampton backed her SUV into a parking spot but didn't hit anyone. The town made her "Driver of the Year."

A senator who was supposed to be at Strom Thurmond's birthday party had a cold and couldn't make it. He sent Strom an e-mail instead.

A doctor in Ottawa sued his lawyer for malpractice.

The Milton Orshefskys told their two children they couldn't go to an Eminem concert. The son said, "That's OK with us Dad. We'd rather stay home with you and mom than go to a lousy concert where none of the kids stay in their seats."

A dog named Lassie had run away and was missing for three years. Suddenly she appeared at the door of the Barnstables' house. Her owners wouldn't take her back because their household insurance wouldn't cover her.

A man said to his companion on Fifth Avenue, "If I hear the name Saddam Hussein one more time I'm going to spit." Then he spat and was arrested for expectorating in the street.

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

01/13/03: The last pill
01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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