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Jewish World Review Dec. 6, 2002 / 1 Teves, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports


Pre-nursery is rough


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Getting a private education in New York City is getting tougher. A recent series of e-mails from analyst Jack Grubman, who recommends what stocks to buy and what ones to sell, revealed he got his recommendations mixed up with trying to get his kids into the right preschool.

This may have been done by a lot of desperate Wall Street sharpshooters. I was just given the e-mails of stock market analyst Harry Thumbscrew, of Blarney and Moore Blarney, to Steven Bigpockets, the president of Gotcha National Bank. To: Steven Bigpockets

From: Harry Thumbscrew

I'm going to put a sell order on Wrong Number Telephone Co.

To: Harry Thumbscrew

From: Steven Bigpockets:

Urgent. Don't put a sell on Wrong Number. We are trying to get their Christmas savings account. Put a "buy" on it.

To: Steven Bigpockets

From: Harry Thumbscrew

I don't have time. Have to go for an interview at the Barbie Pre-Nursery School for Upper Class Families.

To: Harry Thumbscrew

From: Bigpockets

I'll get your kid into the kindergarten if you put a "buy" on Wrong Number and a "sell" on White Teeth Yellow Books. Their president blackballed me from the Cranberry Country Club. If it weren't for him, I could eat in the members' dining room.

To: Bigpockets

From: Thumbscrew

Will do what you wish. Any news on the Barbie School?

To: Thumbscrew

From: Bigpockets

I've put calls into the members of the board. In exchange for your Sonny being admitted, I promised them one million dollars to build a spa for the children. From: Thumbscrew

To: Bigpockets

Great idea. They will be the only kindergarten in New York City with a spa.

One week later.

To: Harry Thumbscrew

From: Steven Bigpockets

Having difficulty with Sonny's application. There seems to be a problem with Teddy-bear hugging.

To: Bigpockets

From: Thumbscrew

Tell them Sonny will be taking remedial Teddy-bear hugging and should be able to pass it by opening day. Steve, you don't know what it means for Sonny to get into the right pre-nursery school. It will affect his life forever. If he doesn't get in and has to go to the public pre-nursery school, he will have to share his play dough with the lower class kids.

He would have to finger paint without supervision, and in the first grade he'd start stealing. Without private guidance in high school he would join a gang and steal tires after school.

From there, because I failed to get him into Barbie, Sonny would either wind up in crime or on Wall Street. To: Harry

From: Steve

This is what I want you to do today. Put a buy on WorldCom and Imclone and hold Enron. Recommend our own stock because in two weeks we're going to come out with a double-digit loss.

To: Bigpockets

From: Thumbscrew

What about Sonny?

To: Harry

From: Steve

He's on the waiting list. There are only 400 kids ahead of him.

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

11/20/02: The Princess and the butler 11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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