|
Jewish World Review Dec. 6, 2002 / 1 Teves, 5763
Art Buchwald
Pre-nursery is rough
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Getting a private education in New York City is getting tougher. A recent series of e-mails from analyst Jack Grubman, who recommends what stocks to buy and what ones to sell, revealed he got his recommendations mixed up with trying to get his kids into the right preschool.
This may have been done by a lot of desperate Wall Street sharpshooters. I was just given the e-mails of stock market analyst Harry Thumbscrew, of Blarney and Moore Blarney, to Steven Bigpockets, the president of Gotcha National Bank. To: Steven Bigpockets From: Harry Thumbscrew I'm going to put a sell order on Wrong Number Telephone Co. To: Harry Thumbscrew From: Steven Bigpockets: Urgent. Don't put a sell on Wrong Number. We are trying to get their Christmas savings account. Put a "buy" on it. To: Steven Bigpockets From: Harry Thumbscrew I don't have time. Have to go for an interview at the Barbie Pre-Nursery School for Upper Class Families. To: Harry Thumbscrew From: Bigpockets I'll get your kid into the kindergarten if you put a "buy" on Wrong Number and a "sell" on White Teeth Yellow Books. Their president blackballed me from the Cranberry Country Club. If it weren't for him, I could eat in the members' dining room. To: Bigpockets From: Thumbscrew Will do what you wish. Any news on the Barbie School? To: Thumbscrew From: Bigpockets I've put calls into the members of the board. In exchange for your Sonny being admitted, I promised them one million dollars to build a spa for the children. From: Thumbscrew To: Bigpockets Great idea. They will be the only kindergarten in New York City with a spa. One week later. To: Harry Thumbscrew From: Steven Bigpockets Having difficulty with Sonny's application. There seems to be a problem with Teddy-bear hugging. To: Bigpockets From: Thumbscrew Tell them Sonny will be taking remedial Teddy-bear hugging and should be able to pass it by opening day. Steve, you don't know what it means for Sonny to get into the right pre-nursery school. It will affect his life forever. If he doesn't get in and has to go to the public pre-nursery school, he will have to share his play dough with the lower class kids. He would have to finger paint without supervision, and in the first grade he'd start stealing. Without private guidance in high school he would join a gang and steal tires after school. From there, because I failed to get him into Barbie, Sonny would either wind up in crime or on Wall Street. To: Harry From: Steve This is what I want you to do today. Put a buy on WorldCom and Imclone and hold Enron. Recommend our own stock because in two weeks we're going to come out with a double-digit loss. To: Bigpockets From: Thumbscrew What about Sonny? To: Harry From: Steve He's on the waiting list. There are only 400 kids ahead of him. Like this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
|