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Jewish World Review Jan. 13, 2003 / 10 Shevat, 5763
Art Buchwald
The last pill
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Thomas Greentree was taking antidepressant pills. Each one cost $10.
When I saw him, he was very depressed.
He said, "I have no more money for pills. I used up my health insurance and I can no longer borrow from my relatives."
"That's tough. What are you holding in you hand?"
"It's my last pill. After I take it, it's all over for me. I've been staring at it for hours. I'm depressed if I take it, and I'm depressed if I don't."
"That's tough."
"Maybe I shouldn't have taken them in the first place, because now I've gotten used to them."
"Couldn't you take a placebo and pretend it's an antidepressant?"
"It doesn't work for me because I know it's a placebo. Anyhow, my health plan won't pay for placebos. Would you like to see the pill?"
"Of course. This is a collector's item."
He handed it to me. "Be careful," he warned, "I don't want anything to happen to it."
I examined it in the light. "It's beautiful. I saw one just like it on television. The announcer said, 'It isn't for everybody. See your doctor first.'"
Greentree said, "So I went to my doctor and he told me it's only for people who can afford it. When I went yesterday and told him I had only one pill left, he said, 'Then work yourself out of the depression like a man.'"
"That's some doctor."
"I am wrestling with the decision to take it or save it until my depression gets worse."
"How serious is it now?"
"I don't want to commit suicide."
"That's good. If you ever do, you can take the pill first. I'd give you some of my pills, but they have different side effects. For example, they cheer me up, but every time I take one I feel like shoplifting from a store."
He said, "At least you have something you can count on."
I said, "Why don't you give the last pill to the Smithsonian Institute? You would still be depressed, but you would get a tax deduction."
"I don't have a job. That's one reason I'm so depressed."
"Have you ever thought of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?"
He replied, "Everyone tells me to do that so I won't ask them for money."
I said, "People who aren't depressed always tell people that. It's too bad you don't have any money. If you did, you could go to Canada and buy the antidepressants at half price."
"I think I'll take the pill now. Will you stay with me until it works?"
"Of course. That's what friends are for." Like this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
01/08/03: Come fly with me
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