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Jewish World Review Jan. 13, 2003 / 10 Shevat, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports


The last pill


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Thomas Greentree was taking antidepressant pills. Each one cost $10.

When I saw him, he was very depressed.

He said, "I have no more money for pills. I used up my health insurance and I can no longer borrow from my relatives."

"That's tough. What are you holding in you hand?"

"It's my last pill. After I take it, it's all over for me. I've been staring at it for hours. I'm depressed if I take it, and I'm depressed if I don't."

"That's tough."

"Maybe I shouldn't have taken them in the first place, because now I've gotten used to them."

"Couldn't you take a placebo and pretend it's an antidepressant?"

"It doesn't work for me because I know it's a placebo. Anyhow, my health plan won't pay for placebos. Would you like to see the pill?"

"Of course. This is a collector's item."

He handed it to me. "Be careful," he warned, "I don't want anything to happen to it."

I examined it in the light. "It's beautiful. I saw one just like it on television. The announcer said, 'It isn't for everybody. See your doctor first.'"

Greentree said, "So I went to my doctor and he told me it's only for people who can afford it. When I went yesterday and told him I had only one pill left, he said, 'Then work yourself out of the depression like a man.'"

"That's some doctor."

"I am wrestling with the decision to take it or save it until my depression gets worse."

"How serious is it now?"

"I don't want to commit suicide."

"That's good. If you ever do, you can take the pill first. I'd give you some of my pills, but they have different side effects. For example, they cheer me up, but every time I take one I feel like shoplifting from a store."

He said, "At least you have something you can count on."

I said, "Why don't you give the last pill to the Smithsonian Institute? You would still be depressed, but you would get a tax deduction."

"I don't have a job. That's one reason I'm so depressed."

"Have you ever thought of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?"

He replied, "Everyone tells me to do that so I won't ask them for money."

I said, "People who aren't depressed always tell people that. It's too bad you don't have any money. If you did, you could go to Canada and buy the antidepressants at half price."

"I think I'll take the pill now. Will you stay with me until it works?"

"Of course. That's what friends are for."

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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