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Jewish World Review May 9, 2003 / 7 Iyar, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

Suits on television | It had to happen sooner or later. The "suits," aka executives, at Monmouth Television Network had a meeting to discuss what to put on the air now that the Iraq war has died down.

Fledgling said, "Ari Fleischer is way down in the ratings. I think we should dump him for "To Tell the Truth."

"That means we have no one to speak for the president."

"So what? We have to think about ratings. We are not in the business of putting someone on the air who doesn't appeal to the 18- to 49-year-old viewers."

Eggerton said, "What about vice President Cheney?"

Fledgling replied, "We never know when he's going to show up. He insists on doing the show from an embedded hideout, but he repeats the same thing that President Bush and everyone else says."

Lauren chimed in, "That's the trouble. Our lineup is making the viewers tune out."

Limerick asked, "You're not going to cancel Don Rumsfeld, are you?"

Fledgling answered, "He was great when the war was on but he seems to be at a loss when it comes to rebuilding Iraq."

Limerick continued, "Why don't we put him on late night opposite David Letterman and Ted Koppel?"

"It's a possibility. There are still some people who long for nostalgia and are wondering where Saddam Hussein is."

Lauren said, "I've got a new show that will knock 'em dead-'The Search for Weapons of Mass Destruction.' We will have eight men and eight women selected for their machismo and beauty. We'll pair them up and send them to Iraq. The first couple to find a weapon of mass destruction will get a million dollars, a honeymoon in Syria, and a red rose from Bush's rose garden."

"Let's do it. What will make it work is that each week the contestants will have to find a new weapon. They will, of course, be equipped with gas masks and duct tape."

"Has anyone thought about a program devoted to people accused of committing crimes, similar to 'Court TV'?" We'll do the first one with Robert Blake, then the two snipers in Washington, and so on and so on. With the war over, crime is coming back big time. O.J. Simpson has a built-in audience."

I have an idea. "Let's dump the same footage of Osama bin Laden we've been using for two years and replace it with something like 'The Sopranos.'"

"Or 'Sex in the City.' The girls could talk about what's going on in Afghanistan and one would fall in love with a warlord."

"At least we are thinking ahead," said Altman.

Limber said, "We need a Larry King who would interview former alcoholics, strippers and American traitors who don't support the country."

"How about Geraldo Rivera? I hear Fox wants to trade him with a left fielder and two draft choices because they're unhappy with him."

"Good idea. He's modest and never blows his own horn like King."

"Now the only thing left to fill is prime time."

"Suppose we do a series on Michael Jackson's face?"

"On Sunday night. We'll knock the socks off '60 Minutes.'"

Fledgling stood up and said, "That's the fall program lineup-let's wrap it up."

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

04/30/03: Americo-Shaft Airlines
04/22/03: More time with the kids
04/03/03: Rebuilding Baghdad
03/25/03: The Five Saddam Husseins
03/04/03: Tax free defense
02/27/03: Yelling at the TV
02/20/03: The fight for duct tape
02/14/03: Losing your identity
02/05/03: Whose reality is it?
01/17/03: Foreign Affairs for Dummies
01/15/03: No-news stories
01/13/03: The last pill
01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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