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Jewish World Review April 3, 2003 / 30 Adar II, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

Rebuilding Baghdad | The news from the home front is that as soon as the war is over the United States will rebuild Baghdad. It was greeted with joy by urban planners all over the United States.

A man at the Palm Restaurant said, "If they are going to rebuild Baghdad, they will have to rebuild Harlem."

Someone else said, "And even parts of the Bronx."

I said, "That's exactly what Mayor Bloomberg told the president the other day."

A diner said, "They can't just vote money for Baghdad without matching it in our urban areas, such as Gary, Ind., Watts and Washington, D.C."

Another person said, "It's not a big deal. Bush has allotted that much for his tax cut, but if they're going to give Harlem $100 billion, we're going to have to occupy it for several years."

Another man at the table became the devil's advocate and said, "But how can we rebuild Harlem when we never bombed it?"

A lady said, "It looks as if we bombed it."

I said, "Does it have any weapons of mass destruction?"

The diner said, "We haven't found any so far. Maybe if we could get the Air Force to bomb the crack houses and then send in the 101st Airborne to occupy it, that would do the trick."

Another lady said, "If Bush is going to give money to Iraq for schools, why can't he give us money for our schools?"

The first man replied, "He has only so much money in his budget and he has to put it where it does the most good. If he can buy democracy in the Middle East for $100 billion, I think it's a bargain."

Meanwhile, up on the Hill, French bashing is increasing by the day.

A boycott is now going on in earnest. Allegra is on the list because it is made by a French company. Chanel, Bollinger champagne, Christian Dior, Dannon yogurt, Evian, Hennessey Cognac, and Roquefort cheese are just a few of the products we must throw in the Frenchman's face because France voted against us in the U.N.

When congress ordered french fries to be taken off their menus and freedom fries put in thier place, all America rejoiced, even after they found out french fries come from Belgium.

But their big move will come when congress passes a law to substitute all French surnames with American ones.

For example, if your first name was Henri, you will have to change it to Henry. Jeanne will become Jean. Pierre will be Peter, Maurice would be Morris, and Alain would be Al.

The person on the Hill who was working on the bill was very proud of it.

"This is the only way for the French to realize that we mean business."

"Is Congress for it?"

"They wouldn't dare not be."

"Do you think Americans will mind changing their first names?"

"Why should they mind? It's the patriotic thing to do."

"I know a woman whose name is Paris. What can she change it to?"

"Sofia - as in Bulgaria."

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

03/25/03: The Five Saddam Husseins
03/04/03: Tax free defense
02/27/03: Yelling at the TV
02/20/03: The fight for duct tape
02/14/03: Losing your identity
02/05/03: Whose reality is it?
01/17/03: Foreign Affairs for Dummies
01/15/03: No-news stories
01/13/03: The last pill
01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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