Jewish World Review April 3, 2003 / 30 Adar II, 5763
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The news from the home front is that as soon as the war is over the United States will rebuild Baghdad. It was greeted with joy by urban planners all over the United States.
A man at the Palm Restaurant said, "If they are going to rebuild Baghdad, they will have to rebuild Harlem."
Someone else said, "And even parts of the Bronx."
I said, "That's exactly what Mayor Bloomberg told the president the other day."
A diner said, "They can't just vote money for Baghdad without matching it in our urban areas, such as Gary, Ind., Watts and Washington, D.C."
Another person said, "It's not a big deal. Bush has allotted that much for his tax cut, but if they're going to give Harlem $100 billion, we're going to have to occupy it for several years."
Another man at the table became the devil's advocate and said, "But how can we rebuild Harlem when we never bombed it?"
A lady said, "It looks as if we bombed it."
I said, "Does it have any weapons of mass destruction?"
The diner said, "We haven't found any so far. Maybe if we could get the Air Force to bomb the crack houses and then send in the 101st Airborne to occupy it, that would do the trick."
Another lady said, "If Bush is going to give money to Iraq for schools, why can't he give us money for our schools?"
The first man replied, "He has only so much money in his budget and he has to put it where it does the most good. If he can buy democracy in the Middle East for $100 billion, I think it's a bargain."
Meanwhile, up on the Hill, French bashing is increasing by the day.
A boycott is now going on in earnest. Allegra is on the list because it is made by a French company. Chanel, Bollinger champagne, Christian Dior, Dannon yogurt, Evian, Hennessey Cognac, and Roquefort cheese are just a few of the products we must throw in the Frenchman's face because France voted against us in the U.N.
When congress ordered french fries to be taken off their menus and freedom fries put in thier place, all America rejoiced, even after they found out french fries come from Belgium.
But their big move will come when congress passes a law to substitute all French surnames with American ones.
For example, if your first name was Henri, you will have to change it to Henry. Jeanne will become Jean. Pierre will be Peter, Maurice would be Morris, and Alain would be Al.
The person on the Hill who was working on the bill was very proud of it.
"This is the only way for the French to realize that we mean business."
"Is Congress for it?"
"They wouldn't dare not be."
"Do you think Americans will mind changing their first names?"
"Why should they mind? It's the patriotic thing to do."
"I know a woman whose name is Paris. What can she change it to?"
"Sofia - as in Bulgaria."
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