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Jewish World Review March 25, 2003 / 21 Adar II, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

The Five Saddam Husseins | It is no secret that Saddam Hussein has at least five doubles.

Until the war, they had a good life. They could buy clothes from Saville Row, have uniforms made by Italian tailors, and eat caviar and drink vintage wine from France.

They could be fitted with their own shotguns and have their pick of the most beautiful women in Iraq.

But suddenly all that has changed. A satellite picked up a conversation among the doubles in Baghdad. They apparently were arguing.

Saddam Double No. 1 to Saddam Double No. 2: "You have to go into the bunker."

Saddam No. 2: "Why me? I was in the bunker during Desert Storm."

Double No. 3: "I'm not going into the bunker. They're going to bomb the hell out of it."

Double No. 1: "That's the reason someone has to go into the bunker. We want them to think it's the real Saddam."

Double No. 4: "If I had known the role was so dangerous, I would have never taken the job. Besides, my mistress has claustrophobia."

Double No. 5: "Why don't we draw straws for it? The shortest straw goes into the bunker."

Double No. 2: "Where will the rest of us go?"

Double No. 1: "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to surrender to the Americans. They'll think they've captured the real Saddam and they have to respect the Geneva Treaty."

Double No. 4: "I'm going to shave off my mustache, grow a beard, go to Switzerland and pretend I'm the real Saddam - and take all his money out of the bank."

Double No. 3: "I am going to change my name to Mustafa and open a McDonald's in Basra."

The satellite lost the doubles for a while. Then it picked them up again.

Double No. 3: "Suppose the real Saddam finds out we were plotting against him? He'll have his Republican Guard hunt us down and torture us like we did to Saddam's enemies when we played him."

Double No. 4: "Couldn't we talk the real Saddam into hiding in the bunker?"

Double No. 2: "He may be evil, but he is not crazy."

Double No. 3: "As long as we're going to all this trouble, I'd like to put his sons in a bunker and have a large Iraqi flag at the entry so the Americans know to bomb it."

Double No. 4: "The U.S. is going to rebuild Iraq, and if we pretend we're businessmen we can take bribes for everything they bring into the country."

Double No. 1: "We could even get a job in the new government as doubles for whomever gets elected."

Double No. 2: "We'll offer to go on television and tell what it is like to be a Saddam impersonator."

Double No. 3: "Don't forget the movie rights."

While you are reading this, the CIA is sending out signals to the doubles that if they surrender they will get a new name, a safe house in East Hampton, and a good conduct medal.

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03/04/03: Tax free defense
02/27/03: Yelling at the TV
02/20/03: The fight for duct tape
02/14/03: Losing your identity
02/05/03: Whose reality is it?
01/17/03: Foreign Affairs for Dummies
01/15/03: No-news stories
01/13/03: The last pill
01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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