Jewish World Review June 10, 2003 / 10 Sivan, 5763
STOP THE PRESSES!
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The three biggest stories last week (and possibly all year) were Martha's Stewart's indictment, Hillary Clinton's book and Sammy Sosa's corked bat.
I know this because the telephone has been ringing off the hook.
"When are you going to write about Martha Stewart?" Mary Jo Lipton asked.
"What is there to write about?"
"She lied, obstructed justice and was involved in insider stock trading."
I said, "She is alleged to have done these things. She is innocent until she is found guilty and she has to have her day in court like any homemaker."
"Hoo, hoo, hoo," Mary Jo said.
"Why are people so excited about her criminal indictment?" I asked Mary Jo.
"Because if she lied about her stock transactions, how do we know that she hasn't lied about her chocolate chip cookies?"
"I know for a fact that Martha never lied about baking, or her salads or her gardening. If she lied - and I'm not saying she did - the only time she allegedly perjured herself was when she was making money."
Mary Jo said, "She cooked up the insider stock deal to make $200,000 when she already had a billion dollars." I replied, "If anyone deserved her money, Martha did. She allegedly did what any smart insider would do. People on Wall Street tip off their friends with information the public doesn't have. That is what friendship is all about."
"The government said she chopped up her records as if they were a salad," Mary Jo asserted.
"Whom do you trust more - Martha or the government?"
Mary Jo replied, "Attorney General Ashcroft said we should always trust the government."
I said, "I got to go. Why did you call?"
"I'm about ready to make chocolate chip cookies and I don't know whether to do it now or wait for the trial."
I hung up and Sarah Newman called about Hillary Clinton's book.
She said, "Do you believe her version of when she found out about Monica?"
"I have no reason not to believe her. What's the question?"
"She said the president lied to her and she only found out about it two days before he was to testify under oath concerning the affair. She wrote that she was furious and dumbfounded."
"That sounds right."
"How do you know? Were you there?" Sarah asked.
I replied, "I was on Martha's Vineyard at the time and I could see they weren't talking to each other."
"I don't care what happened. I'm still going to buy the book. I'm a history buff."
The third story that has rocked the world has to do with Chicago Cubs baseball star Sammy Sosa. It was discovered he used a corked bat - a no-no in the game. The bat split in half when Sosa hit the ball. He said he thought he had picked up a regular bat, but it was a corked one used for practice.
Sosa pleaded guilty, apologized to his fans and said he would never use a corked bat again.
The reason it was one of the big stories of the week is that baseball is a sacred sport, and a scandal involved with it must be examined, re-examined and re-examined again. And then shown on TV for the millionth time. It also affects the cereal boxes that Sosa's picture is on.
So thanks Martha, Hillary and Sammy for making my day.
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06/05/03: OUT of GAS