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Jewish World Review June 10, 2003 / 10 Sivan, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

STOP THE PRESSES! | The three biggest stories last week (and possibly all year) were Martha's Stewart's indictment, Hillary Clinton's book and Sammy Sosa's corked bat.

I know this because the telephone has been ringing off the hook.

"When are you going to write about Martha Stewart?" Mary Jo Lipton asked.

"What is there to write about?"

"She lied, obstructed justice and was involved in insider stock trading."

I said, "She is alleged to have done these things. She is innocent until she is found guilty and she has to have her day in court like any homemaker."

"Hoo, hoo, hoo," Mary Jo said.

"Why are people so excited about her criminal indictment?" I asked Mary Jo.

"Because if she lied about her stock transactions, how do we know that she hasn't lied about her chocolate chip cookies?"

"I know for a fact that Martha never lied about baking, or her salads or her gardening. If she lied - and I'm not saying she did - the only time she allegedly perjured herself was when she was making money."

Mary Jo said, "She cooked up the insider stock deal to make $200,000 when she already had a billion dollars." I replied, "If anyone deserved her money, Martha did. She allegedly did what any smart insider would do. People on Wall Street tip off their friends with information the public doesn't have. That is what friendship is all about."

"The government said she chopped up her records as if they were a salad," Mary Jo asserted.

"Whom do you trust more - Martha or the government?"

Mary Jo replied, "Attorney General Ashcroft said we should always trust the government."

I said, "I got to go. Why did you call?"

"I'm about ready to make chocolate chip cookies and I don't know whether to do it now or wait for the trial."

I hung up and Sarah Newman called about Hillary Clinton's book.

She said, "Do you believe her version of when she found out about Monica?"

"I have no reason not to believe her. What's the question?"

"She said the president lied to her and she only found out about it two days before he was to testify under oath concerning the affair. She wrote that she was furious and dumbfounded."

"That sounds right."

"How do you know? Were you there?" Sarah asked.

I replied, "I was on Martha's Vineyard at the time and I could see they weren't talking to each other."

"I don't care what happened. I'm still going to buy the book. I'm a history buff."

The third story that has rocked the world has to do with Chicago Cubs baseball star Sammy Sosa. It was discovered he used a corked bat - a no-no in the game. The bat split in half when Sosa hit the ball. He said he thought he had picked up a regular bat, but it was a corked one used for practice.

Sosa pleaded guilty, apologized to his fans and said he would never use a corked bat again.

The reason it was one of the big stories of the week is that baseball is a sacred sport, and a scandal involved with it must be examined, re-examined and re-examined again. And then shown on TV for the millionth time. It also affects the cereal boxes that Sosa's picture is on.

So thanks Martha, Hillary and Sammy for making my day.

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

06/05/03: OUT of GAS
06/03/03: Liars can make money
05/30/03: Spam the Greatest Generation
05/28/03: The Democratic solution
05/09/03: Suits on television
04/30/03: Americo-Shaft Airlines
04/22/03: More time with the kids
04/03/03: Rebuilding Baghdad
03/25/03: The Five Saddam Husseins
03/04/03: Tax free defense
02/27/03: Yelling at the TV
02/20/03: The fight for duct tape
02/14/03: Losing your identity
02/05/03: Whose reality is it?
01/17/03: Foreign Affairs for Dummies
01/15/03: No-news stories
01/13/03: The last pill
01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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