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Jewish World Review May 28, 2003 / 26 Iyar, 5763

Art Buchwald

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Consumer Reports

The Democratic solution | Sam Wheaton, like most Democrats, was at sea about the presidential election. But then he called me last Wednesday on his cell phone and said, "I think I've got the solution to the Democratic campaign. Meet me at Nathan's for lunch."

When I got there, Wheaton said, "Don't laugh at me. This idea could win us the election."

"I won't laugh."

He said, "This is what I thought. Why can't all the nine candidates run for election in a package deal?"

I said, "You mean if they won, all of them would move into the White House?"

"Yes. They have their specialties, so each would get his or her own Oval Office and Rose Garden. They would all be called Mr. or Ms. President."

"I'm not laughing. Are there enough bedrooms in the White House for nine families?"

"No problem. They may have to double up on the second floor, and there would be a lottery as to who sleeps in the Lincoln Bedroom."

I said, "The Democrats have been attacking each other from the beginning. How can they live under the same roof?"

Wheaton replied, "They can get along. The problem is not the candidates, but the first ladies."

I said, "The first ladies, as usual, will be the brains behind the scenes. It's an interesting idea, but how do nine presidents work in the White House?"

"Well," said Wheaton, "each one would appear at a rally for his particular specialty. For example, if there were an important bill on health care, we would send Gephardt out to the Rose Garden to announce it. If it was an anti-Iraq war issue, Howard Dean would speak to a peace rally on the mall. The supporters of the war in Iraq would have Kerry land on an aircraft carrier and give his speech."

I said, "As the French say, 'Chacun son gout,' though I don't think the White House should speak to the American people in French. What will President Lieberman specialize in?"

"He could be the conservative Democrat, with connections to labor. Dennis Kucinich, who was once mayor of Cleveland, knows what it's like for the cities and states to be cut off from federal funds. President Graham will deal with Homeland Security. Carol Moseley Braun will be the president for housing and energy."

"What about Al Sharpton?" I asked.

"He will handle foreign affairs, go to North Korea and other hot spots, and get us back into the United Nations. And President John Edwards will be assigned to education, national security and lighting the Christmas tree."

"Everyone is accounted for," I admitted. "If you have nine presidents, the money will pour in."

He said, "The people are tired of one president --- especially George Bush. Now Americans will have their choice of which one they want to root for."

"And the Supreme Court will go for it?"

"It will once we appoint nine justices to vote the Democratic Party line."

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Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.

05/09/03: Suits on television
04/30/03: Americo-Shaft Airlines
04/22/03: More time with the kids
04/03/03: Rebuilding Baghdad
03/25/03: The Five Saddam Husseins
03/04/03: Tax free defense
02/27/03: Yelling at the TV
02/20/03: The fight for duct tape
02/14/03: Losing your identity
02/05/03: Whose reality is it?
01/17/03: Foreign Affairs for Dummies
01/15/03: No-news stories
01/13/03: The last pill
01/08/03: Come fly with me
12/20/02: Snooping for America
12/13/02: Give 'til it hurts
12/06/02: Pre-nursery is rough
11/20/02: The Princess and the butler
11/15/02: Preaching democracy
11/04/02: The blame game
10/30/02: The threat of golf
10/11/02: The wives of Hidden Valley
10/04/02: Will the real Saddam stand up?
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad

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