Jewish World Review May 28, 2003 / 26 Iyar, 5763
The Democratic solution
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Sam Wheaton, like most Democrats, was at sea about the presidential election. But then he called me last Wednesday on his cell phone and said, "I think I've got the solution to the Democratic campaign. Meet me at Nathan's for lunch."
When I got there, Wheaton said, "Don't laugh at me. This idea could win us the election."
"I won't laugh."
He said, "This is what I thought. Why can't all the nine candidates run for election in a package deal?"
I said, "You mean if they won, all of them would move into the White House?"
"Yes. They have their specialties, so each would get his or her own Oval Office and Rose Garden. They would all be called Mr. or Ms. President."
"I'm not laughing. Are there enough bedrooms in the White House for nine families?"
"No problem. They may have to double up on the second floor, and there would be a lottery as to who sleeps in the Lincoln Bedroom."
I said, "The Democrats have been attacking each other from the beginning. How can they live under the same roof?"
Wheaton replied, "They can get along. The problem is not the candidates, but the first ladies."
I said, "The first ladies, as usual, will be the brains behind the scenes. It's an interesting idea, but how do nine presidents work in the White House?"
"Well," said Wheaton, "each one would appear at a rally for his particular specialty. For example, if there were an important bill on health care, we would send Gephardt out to the Rose Garden to announce it. If it was an anti-Iraq war issue, Howard Dean would speak to a peace rally on the mall. The supporters of the war in Iraq would have Kerry land on an aircraft carrier and give his speech."
I said, "As the French say, 'Chacun son gout,' though I don't think the White House should speak to the American people in French. What will President Lieberman specialize in?"
"He could be the conservative Democrat, with connections to labor. Dennis Kucinich, who was once mayor of Cleveland, knows what it's like for the cities and states to be cut off from federal funds. President Graham will deal with Homeland Security. Carol Moseley Braun will be the president for housing and energy."
"What about Al Sharpton?" I asked.
"He will handle foreign affairs, go to North Korea and other hot spots, and get us back into the United Nations. And President John Edwards will be assigned to education, national security and lighting the Christmas tree."
"Everyone is accounted for," I admitted. "If you have nine presidents, the money will pour in."
He said, "The people are tired of one president --- especially George Bush. Now Americans will have their choice of which one they want to root for."
"And the Supreme Court will go for it?"
"It will once we appoint nine justices to vote the Democratic Party line."
Like this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
05/09/03: Suits on television