Jewish World Review Feb 22, 2005 / 13 Adar I, 5765

David Grimes

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Consumer Reports

Here's to imperfect employees


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Unlike some people, I wasn't particularly bothered by the fact that a Michigan company fired four employees for smoking in the privacy of their own homes.

I firmly believe that people should be allowed to kill themselves in any manner they choose as long as they are not fouling my breathing air while they're doing it. I am also in favor of a national Designated Smoking Area located 1,000 miles out in the Atlantic Ocean at a depth of 200 feet. True, it might be hard keeping your butts lit, but hey, that's not my problem!

(In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably mention that I am an ex-smoker and therefore have about as much tolerance for people who continue to pursue the filthy habit as the FCC has for wardrobe malfunctions. However, if I take up smoking again, I will, of course, deny saying any of this.)

My only concern about the Michigan case is that it will embolden employers (such as mine) to prohibit other forms of employee behavior that they deem potentially harmful to the almighty Bottom Line. I can think of several potentially anti-corporate behaviors that I engage in at home that could cause me problems down the line:

Inane TV viewing: On Saturday mornings, my wife and I watch horror movies on TV. We make our selections on the basis of how few stars the movie got in the TV book. Thus, last Saturday, we watched "Godzilla vs. Megalon" (one star) followed by "Bats" (too execrable to be rated). It was a good way to pass the time and avoid chores like laundry, vacuuming and dealing with the hubcap-size spider that has taken over the guest bathroom. (Two stars.)

Corporate management, however, would probably view this sort of behavior as lazy, shiftless and dangerously suggestive of someone who would make use of all of his or her vacation time.

Golf: Until I injured my wrist by mistaking the root of a tree for a Titleist, I was an avid golfer. ("Avid," in this context, meaning "not particularly good.") Upper management frowns on golfers (with good reason) because golfers, as a group, are insane. Golfers play in rain, sleet and snow. I would not be surprised if some golfer went out to play in one of the hurricanes last year because he figured that was his best chance to reach the long par five in two.

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The way management looks at it, the time golfers spend playing golf, talking about golf or replaying rounds of golf in their heads is time wasted. Better they should spend their weekends dreaming up ways to fire other employees for eating too much fast food.

Child-rearing: It is easy to see how having children could someday become a fireable offense because children definitely cut into productivity. The little darlings have a talent for getting sick at the least opportune time, like when you're trying to sneak out for a Wednesday afternoon round of golf.

When you are not missing work to care for your sick child, you are likely to be fretting about him, muttering about him or mulling ways to punish him (grounded-for-life being a perennial favorite) for disassembling your expensive stereo system for a science-fair project.

The ideal employee, then, is someone who doesn't smoke, drink, play golf, procreate, watch dumb movies on a Saturday morning, stare into space, fret, fidget, obsess, and fail to brush after every meal or eat fewer than five portions of leafy green vegetables every day. Looks to me like we're all going to be out of work soon.

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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

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