Jewish World Review Nov. 16, 2004 / 3 Kislev, 5765
An election to drive you crazy
News item: Shocked supporters of defeated presidential candidate John Kerry are seeking help from psychologists, who refer to their condition as "post-election selection trauma."
Dr. Ahnuld: Good mornink, Mr. Moore. Please to lie down on genuine Scandinavian leather couch. Could I get you a cup of chamomile tea?
Mr. Moore: No, thank you, doctor. I'm fine. Well, actually, I'm not fine. In fact, I feel like jumping off a bridge.
Dr. Ahnuld: Hiss sumtink botering you, Mr. Moore?
Mr. Moore: Well, ever since Kerry lost the election to that madman Bush, I've been terribly depressed and angry. I just can't believe the American people reelected that jerk.
Dr. Ahnuld: Ach, Mr. Moore. You cannot take dese tinks personally. Do you tink you could have changed de outcome of de election all by yourself?
Mr. Moore: Well, actually, doctor, I thought I gave it a pretty good shot …
Dr. Ahnuld: Vot hass bin goink tru your mind dese past few weeks?
Mr. Moore: It's weird, Dr. Ahnuld. One minute, I have this overwhelming urge to move to Canada. The next minute, I'm just sitting there staring out into space, a rope of drool puddling on my tennis shoe.
Dr. Ahnuld: Hmm. Mr. Moore, hit his my opinion dat you are sufferink from a post-traumatic stress disorder. Haf you ever suffered from dis before?
Mr. Moore: Well, once in elementary school some kid stole my Twinkies from my lunch box, but my mom gave me double Twinkies the next day, so I guess the answer to your question is no.
Dr. Ahnuld: Wit your permission, Mr. Moore, I would like we should try some hypnotherapy, jes?
Mr. Moore: Whatever you think will help, doctor. I've got to get Canada out of my head. I mean, some of those people up there don't even speak English, for cripes sake!
Dr. Ahnuld: I am goink to swing my pocket watch in front of your ice. Follow the pocket watch wit your ice. You are gettink sleepy. Sleepy. Very sleepy …
Mr. Moore: (Snoring)
Dr. Ahnuld: Mr. Moore, I vant you to forget about da past election. I vant you to tink about happier times, like dat time you blindsided Charlton Heston in dat Columbine movie.
(Mr. Moore smiles, faintly.)
Dr. Ahnuld: And, Mr. Moore, I vant you to understand dat vot's done his done. You cannot change da past. You must look only toward the future. Do not give up, Mr. Moore. You haf a great talent. Use hit wisely and maybe tings will turn out differently next time, no?
(Mr. Moore's entire body seems to relax and he reaches for the teddy bear that Dr. Ahnuld has provided.)
Dr. Ahnuld: Now, Mr. Moore, I am goink to vake you up. On de count huf three.
Vun. Two. Tree. (Snaps his fingers.)
Mr. Moore (leaping off the couch): Wow, doctor! I don't know what you did, but I feel 100 percent better! In fact, I think I might do a documentary that proves that Karl Rove is the spawn of Satan! Doctor, really, I can't thank you enough!
Dr. Ahnuld: Hiss notink, Mr. Moore. Everythink dat vas done, you did yourself.
Mr. Moore: I guess you're right. Anyway, thanks again. But before I go, doctor, I'd like to ask you just one thing: Where did you get that ridiculous accent?
Dr. Ahnuld: Accent? Vot accent? I am Ahnuld, the Governator huf California! Feel my muscles!
Mr. Moore: Whoa. I guess everybody's got issues, huh, Dr. Ahnuld?
Dr. Ahnuld: You got dat right, baby.
Appreciate this column? Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
11/10/04: A pet by any other name
11/04/04: What to do when you've got the flu
10/26/04: I can't believe They did it: This is identity theft on a grand scale
10/18/04: Finnish man shows that husbands have hidden worth
10/15/04: Science tales from the fringe
10/06/04: Movies go to the dogs
09/29/04: Talking carts spice up shopping
09/22/04: Big Bad Wolf sets the record straight
09/13/04: How not to kill a skeeter
09/09/04: 54th state? Confusion
08/30/04: Even teens can tire of TV, IHOP
08/24/04: The real story of Miss Muffet
08/17/04: Flaming Gaseous Man, away!
07/28/04: Signs say more than intended
07/21/04: Phoning in my novel
07/14/04: Turning sand into gold
07/07/04: Along came a spider and sat down beside her
06/29/04: There must be a law
06/21/04: The many hazards of TV sports
06/15/04: Computer dust causes a mighty stir
05/25/04: Guess what's coming to dinner?
05/18/04: Dogs have changed for the worse
05/11/04: You rant, you pay
05/03/04: A new generation of civility
04/27/04: Repeat at your own risk
04/19/04: Brits learn grammar from Americans
04/05/04: Got those customer survey blues
03/31/04: Name that planetoid
03/24/04: Mind-melding is not for the squeamish
03/16/04: Write that novel QUICK!
03/10/04: Turns out robots are as unhelpful as people
03/02/04: Dictators' softer side
02/23/04: Is there life after Ken?
02/18/04: California needs its chi adjusted
02/11/04: Pleeze by sum stuph frum me
02/03/04: A tale of two generations
01/28/04: Warning: Labels on products are getting wackier and wackier
01/21/04: It's a computer! No, it's a side dish! Skeptical? Look under the hood
01/07/04: Nursery rhymes to scare the kids by
12/30/03: Ear-scratcher fingered by police
12/24/03: Gifts for that not-so-special someone
12/18/03: Things we hate to do
12/09/03: Keep your name out of this book
12/03/03: When tots control the world
11/18/03: Danger: TVs falling from above
11/11/03: Songs that won't go away
11/04/03: Keep technology away from the monkeys
10/29/03: A career of sensational regrets
10/22/03: Ig Nobels reward weird science
10/16/03: TV golf needs a kick in the pants
10/08/03: That's geek to me
09/30/03: A man, a woman and a cat
09/22/03: A tale of two spams
09/16/03: Librarian action figure will be taking no guff
09/10/03: Slackers need to remain invisible
09/02/03: No fun in the summertime
08/26/03: The algebra of love
08/11/03: Journey to the center of the pavement cracks
08/06/03: Word dominance by U.S. appears a fait accompli
07/28/03: Ads that are hard to swallow
07/09/03: Keep cows out of the classroom
07/03/03: Little-appreciated facts about unshaven men
06/24/03: Brother, can you paradigm?
06/18/03: Cats, TV not a good mix
06/10/03: In defense of grumpiness
06/04/03: Do we really need keyboards in our Port-A-Johns?
05/29/03: Always a dull men's moment
05/21/03: Bad PC hygiene leads to bugs
05/12/03:Army mops up; Tony Blair doesn't
05/06/03: Grill a hamburger for PETA
05/01/03: Exams spice history
04/23/03: Too much money? Tax me more!
04/14/03: When good gourds go bad
04/11/03: One fish-tale that isn't --- and that's no lie!
04/02/03: Do you really want to know what your dog's thinking?
03/26/03: Pajamas make high school less stressful
03/21/03: It's time to be nice to the French
03/03/03: The ultimate clean and constructive sport
02/12/03: Get a bang out of cleaning with cruise vacuum
02/06/03: Voluntary kindness? Not likely
01/28/03: Signs our economy is on upswing
01/22/03: There may be cash in your old underwear
01/15/03: Banish these words, now more than ever
01/07/03: Coughing as an art form
12/24/02: Parents shell out for missed homework
12/17/02: French government says no to @ symbol
12/11/02: A latecomer joins fellowship of the DVD
12/02/02: Don't worry, be fat, unfit and really happy
11/18/02: Intrigued by a German invention that could get teens out of bed before the crack of noon
11/06/02: A noose by any other name ...
10/29/02: Iranian dogs on notice
10/22/02: Talk about a job that stinks --- literally!
10/15/02: The official world's funniest joke
10/02/02: Japanese turn eyes to computer haikus
09/27/02: Oh, no! Bosses want to know what's on your mind
09/24/02: An airbag, humanity's salvation?
09/17/02: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
09/06/02: Come listen to a story about a man named ... Bill
09/03/02: You're not in preschool anymore!
08/30/02: A charming idea from a brutal, whacked-out, megalomaniacal dictator-for-life
08/26/02: Blubber water? How to put on the pounds by gulping H20
08/21/02: The latest evidence that Mother Nature is out to kill us
08/13/02: Computers, airplanes and Canada don't mix
08/06/02: The sky's not falling? Dang it!
08/02/02: Some fond memories of worst TV shows
07/30/02: Pay my credit-card bill, please?
07/25/02: Something to celebrate
07/22/02: Baseball needs to ban the fans
07/16/02: Hasbro should consider new inaction figure
07/11/02: Decline in trash-talking is harming our mental health? Well, #@%&!
07/08/02 Americans retain right to fork tongues
07/01/02 These laws were made to be broken
06/18/02 Watching enough commercials?
06/03/02 Throwing your vote to the dogs
Hey, Mom, could you spare a dime?: Parents' obligations unending
© 2002, Sarasota Herald Tribune