Jewish World Review Nov. 16, 2004 / 3 Kislev, 5765

David Grimes

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Consumer Reports

An election to drive you crazy


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | News item: Shocked supporters of defeated presidential candidate John Kerry are seeking help from psychologists, who refer to their condition as "post-election selection trauma."


Dr. Ahnuld: Good mornink, Mr. Moore. Please to lie down on genuine Scandinavian leather couch. Could I get you a cup of chamomile tea?


Mr. Moore: No, thank you, doctor. I'm fine. Well, actually, I'm not fine. In fact, I feel like jumping off a bridge.


Dr. Ahnuld: Hiss sumtink botering you, Mr. Moore?


Mr. Moore: Well, ever since Kerry lost the election to that madman Bush, I've been terribly depressed and angry. I just can't believe the American people reelected that jerk.


Dr. Ahnuld: Ach, Mr. Moore. You cannot take dese tinks personally. Do you tink you could have changed de outcome of de election all by yourself?


Mr. Moore: Well, actually, doctor, I thought I gave it a pretty good shot


Dr. Ahnuld: Vot hass bin goink tru your mind dese past few weeks?


Mr. Moore: It's weird, Dr. Ahnuld. One minute, I have this overwhelming urge to move to Canada. The next minute, I'm just sitting there staring out into space, a rope of drool puddling on my tennis shoe.

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Dr. Ahnuld: Hmm. Mr. Moore, hit his my opinion dat you are sufferink from a post-traumatic stress disorder. Haf you ever suffered from dis before?


Mr. Moore: Well, once in elementary school some kid stole my Twinkies from my lunch box, but my mom gave me double Twinkies the next day, so I guess the answer to your question is no.


Dr. Ahnuld: Wit your permission, Mr. Moore, I would like we should try some hypnotherapy, jes?


Mr. Moore: Whatever you think will help, doctor. I've got to get Canada out of my head. I mean, some of those people up there don't even speak English, for cripes sake!


Dr. Ahnuld: I am goink to swing my pocket watch in front of your ice. Follow the pocket watch wit your ice. You are gettink sleepy. Sleepy. Very sleepy


Mr. Moore: (Snoring)


Dr. Ahnuld: Mr. Moore, I vant you to forget about da past election. I vant you to tink about happier times, like dat time you blindsided Charlton Heston in dat Columbine movie.


(Mr. Moore smiles, faintly.)


Dr. Ahnuld: And, Mr. Moore, I vant you to understand dat vot's done his done. You cannot change da past. You must look only toward the future. Do not give up, Mr. Moore. You haf a great talent. Use hit wisely and maybe tings will turn out differently next time, no?


(Mr. Moore's entire body seems to relax and he reaches for the teddy bear that Dr. Ahnuld has provided.)


Dr. Ahnuld: Now, Mr. Moore, I am goink to vake you up. On de count huf three.


Vun. Two. Tree. (Snaps his fingers.)


Mr. Moore (leaping off the couch): Wow, doctor! I don't know what you did, but I feel 100 percent better! In fact, I think I might do a documentary that proves that Karl Rove is the spawn of Satan! Doctor, really, I can't thank you enough!


Dr. Ahnuld: Hiss notink, Mr. Moore. Everythink dat vas done, you did yourself.


Mr. Moore: I guess you're right. Anyway, thanks again. But before I go, doctor, I'd like to ask you just one thing: Where did you get that ridiculous accent?


Dr. Ahnuld: Accent? Vot accent? I am Ahnuld, the Governator huf California! Feel my muscles!


Mr. Moore: Whoa. I guess everybody's got issues, huh, Dr. Ahnuld?


Dr. Ahnuld: You got dat right, baby.

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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

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