Jewish World Review August 11, 2003 / 13 Menachem-Av, 5763

David Grimes

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Consumer Reports


Journey to the center of the pavement cracks


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Suggesting yet again that drug abuse among scientists is a much bigger problem than we thought, a team of German researchers is studying the dirt that gathers in pavement cracks.

The fact that you or I could not fathom any possible reason for such a study just goes to show that we do not have the kind of probing intellect necessary for success in the nitrous-oxide-inhaling scientific community. Not to mention the fact that this research sounds like it would be very hard on the knees.

Researchers say that pavement cracks are worthy of study because they are the only place where the underlying ground and the air above it exchange substances. Already they have learned that microbes living in crack dirt are three times more active than those living in common, ordinary, non-crack-related dirt.

According to a project spokesman, crack dirt is "a habitat that research has neglected up to now."

What, if anything, this research will add to our understanding of our world is unclear, but you've got to admit it would be an excellent premise for an extremely cheesy horror movie. For a title, I'm thinking of something along the lines of "It Came From the Pothole" or, perhaps, "The Fissure King."

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When you consider all the toxic substances that are pounded into pavement cracks from auto exhaust, brake lining dust, skid marks, cigarette butts and discarded fast food, it is a wonder we can make it to the dry cleaners and back without some giant, green, hairy hand reaching up from a pothole and dragging our Ford Explorer down into a place where tire blowouts would be the least of our worries.

Florida would be a good setting for the movie because not only are our roads in terrible shape but our relentless heat and humidity would help the giant, green, hairy things grow to massive proportions. For all we know, you could chop up a slab of roadway (you won't have to look very long or hard to find a place where this is happening) and discover that the critters are thicker than tourists in February.

Speaking of tourists, Florida just continues to get more and more crowded despite the hysterical warnings I and others put out about our hurricanes, tornadoes, lightning, poisonous snakes, poisonous spiders, red tide, sharks, mosquitoes, fire ants and elections. But people might think twice about coming here if they knew that the moment they crossed the Georgia-Florida line, a meaty hand the size of a tool shed was going to burst through I-75 and drag them down to a place that would make Disney World in August seem cool by comparison.

True, we might have to do a little bit more "research" before the mainstream "press" will accept this story as "true." But I'm sure there is a team of researchers somewhere who, armed with nothing more than a thirst for knowledge and a couple of tanks of laughing gas, will keep searching in the cracks of the world's pavement until something truly hideous turns up.

And if all they come up with is a moldy, month-old french fry, well, that can be pretty scary, too.

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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

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