Jewish World Review Sept. 6, 2002 / 29 Elul, 5762

David Grimes

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Consumer Reports

Come listen to a story about a man named ... Bill | Actual news item: CBS plans to resurrect the '60s sitcom "The Beverly Hillbillies" as a reality show.

Bill Clinton: Hoo doggies! Would you look at this place! I can't believe CBS is going to let us live here a whole year! Now, where do you think they hid the snacks?

Hillary Clinton: Bill, please. Don't embarrass me. I know you're disappointed that you didn't get your own talk show, but this was the best offer that came along. If you ever want to have your own library, you'd better make this work.

Bill: This isn't going to be work, Hillary. This is going to be fun. Look, there's a camera!

(Bill puts his arm around Hillary, bites his lip and speaks solemnly to the camera.)

My fellow Americans, I just want to say that I never had sex with this woman.

Hillary: Bill! What if Chelsea heard you say something like that! Good thing the cameras aren't turned on yet.

Bill: I'm hot. I'm gettin' out of these clothes.

Hillary: William Jefferson Clinton! You leave your clothes on! You've got maids to interview.

Bill: Say what?

Hillary: That's right. Maids, cooks, personal assistants, fitness trainers ... the network wants to follow the adventures of a rural, lower-middle class family that's been suddenly transplanted into a Beverly Hills mansion.

Bill (brightening): Who's going to play Elly May?

Hillary: I understand they're trying to get Janet Reno. They think she's going to have a lot of free time on her hands soon.

Bill: Aw, man!

Hillary: Al Gore has agreed to play Jethro but only under the condition that you two are never seen in the same room together.

Bill: What about Mr. Drysdale?

Hillary: Ken Lay is the obvious choice, but only if he doesn't go to prison.

Bill: And Granny?

Hillary: That's been a tough one. The producers want Alan Greenspan. He's OK with the wig and the dress, but he absolutely refuses to sit in a rocking chair on top of the truck.

Bill: He was always cautious, that Alan. Who will you play, Hillary?

Hillary: They asked me to play Miss Hathaway, but I don't know. She's kind of a frumpy nerd. Do you think it'll be too much of a stretch, Bill?

Bill: I think you'll do fine, Hillary.

Hillary: I'm worried, Bill. You were president of the United States and I'm a U.S. senator. Are you sure this isn't beneath our dignity?

Bill: Oh, I don't know Hillary. What time did you say those maid applicants are scheduled to arrive?

Hillary: On second thought, you'd better let me interview the maids. Why don't you go out in the kitchen and fix us some lunch.

Bill (jumping up and down): Can I get a double cheeseburger meal deal from McDonald's instead? Please! Please!

Hillary (sighing): Oh, I suppose that would be all right. We're supposed to be dumb hillbillies, after all.

Bill: Hillary, when the year's over, can we take some souvenirs back to Little Rock with us?

Hillary (giving Bill a hug): You know we can, Bill. You know we can

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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.


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08/21/02: The latest evidence that Mother Nature is out to kill us
08/13/02: Computers, airplanes and Canada don't mix
08/06/02: The sky's not falling? Dang it!
08/02/02: Some fond memories of worst TV shows
07/30/02: Pay my credit-card bill, please?
07/25/02: Something to celebrate
07/22/02: Baseball needs to ban the fans
07/16/02: Hasbro should consider new inaction figure
07/11/02: Decline in trash-talking is harming our mental health? Well, #@%&!
07/08/02 Americans retain right to fork tongues
07/01/02 These laws were made to be broken
06/18/02 Watching enough commercials?
06/03/02 Throwing your vote to the dogs
05/08/02 Hey, Mom, could you spare a dime?: Parents' obligations unending

© 2002, Sarasota Herald Tribune