Jewish World Review May 6, 2003 / 4 Iyar, 5763

David Grimes

Grimes
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


Grill a hamburger for PETA


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | In what might (but probably won't) be considered good news for budget- strained municipalities, the New York town of Hamburg has been offered $15,000 to change its name to Veggieburg.

The offer, needless to say, comes from PETA, short for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

(Apparently the name People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything But People was already taken. You may recall that PETA has, in the past, opposed the use of mice and rats for medical research purposes, suggesting instead that live humans be used in the tests. PETA also opposed using dolphins and sea lions to scout for mines and enemy divers during Gulf War II. Oddly enough, no PETA members volunteered to substitute for the marine mammals.) "The town's name conjures up visions of unhealthy patties of ground-up dead cows," said PETA spokesman Joe Haptas. Proving that it is, indeed, possible to make school lunches even more unpalatable than they already are, PETA has offered to supply area schools with $15,000 worth of non-meat patties for the name change.

Much to the relief of double-bacon-cheeseburger lovers worldwide, Hamburg Supervisor Patrick Hoak declined the offer.

"With all due respect, I think it's a delicacy in our community," Hoak said after briefly losing consciousness over the prospect of $15,000 worth of non-meat patties flooding his community. "We're proud of our name and proud of our heritage."

A suburb of Buffalo, Hamburg has proudly borne its name since 1812 and promotes itself as the birthplace of America's favorite fast food. Hamburg celebrates the birth of hamburgers at its annual Burgerfest.

PETA had the same lack of success in 1996 when it proposed that the Hudson Valley town of Fishkill change its name to Fishsave because the group believed the name brought to mind violent images of dead fish.

Perhaps addled by the lack of dead cow in their diet, PETA members overlooked the fact that the town was named by Dutch settlers in the early 1600s and that "kill" is the Dutch word for "stream." (Next on PETA's agenda: Blood Pudding, Texas; Viscera, Ill.; Chitlins, Ga.; Vivisection, Ohio, and Tripe, Fla.)

One can only hope that PETA will accept Hamburg's polite refusal to change its name to Veggieburg and not react violently as it has in the past to people wearing fur coats or eating Big Macs. I'm guessing that attendance at Burgerfest will drop sharply if PETA members start pelting festivalgoers with organically grown tomatoes or wads of tofu. (Does soybean curd feel pain when it is formed into squares?)

You can't, after all, rule out anything from an organization that did a TV ad comparing the raising of dairy cows to the Holocaust.

In the meantime, I am declaring today Eat an Animal for PETA Day and suggest we celebrate it by poaching some salmon, smoking some ribs or grilling a nice, big, fat, juicy ribeye steak. And for the appetizer? Hamburgers, of course.

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.



JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

Up

05/01/03: Exams spice history
04/23/03: Too much money? Tax me more!
04/14/03: When good gourds go bad
04/11/03: One fish-tale that isn't --- and that's no lie!
04/02/03: Do you really want to know what your dog's thinking?
03/26/03: Pajamas make high school less stressful
03/21/03: It's time to be nice to the French
03/03/03: The ultimate clean and constructive sport
02/12/03: Get a bang out of cleaning with cruise vacuum
02/06/03: Voluntary kindness? Not likely
01/28/03: Signs our economy is on upswing
01/22/03: There may be cash in your old underwear
01/15/03: Banish these words, now more than ever
01/07/03: Coughing as an art form
12/24/02: Parents shell out for missed homework
12/17/02: French government says no to @ symbol
12/11/02: A latecomer joins fellowship of the DVD
12/02/02: Don't worry, be fat, unfit and really happy
11/18/02: Intrigued by a German invention that could get teens out of bed before the crack of noon
11/06/02: A noose by any other name ...
10/29/02: Iranian dogs on notice
10/22/02: Talk about a job that stinks --- literally!
10/15/02: The official world's funniest joke
10/02/02: Japanese turn eyes to computer haikus
09/27/02: Oh, no! Bosses want to know what's on your mind
09/24/02: An airbag, humanity's salvation?
09/17/02: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
09/06/02: Come listen to a story about a man named ... Bill
09/03/02: You're not in preschool anymore!
08/30/02: A charming idea from a brutal, whacked-out, megalomaniacal dictator-for-life
08/26/02: Blubber water? How to put on the pounds by gulping H20
08/21/02: The latest evidence that Mother Nature is out to kill us
08/13/02: Computers, airplanes and Canada don't mix
08/06/02: The sky's not falling? Dang it!
08/02/02: Some fond memories of worst TV shows
07/30/02: Pay my credit-card bill, please?
07/25/02: Something to celebrate
07/22/02: Baseball needs to ban the fans
07/16/02: Hasbro should consider new inaction figure
07/11/02: Decline in trash-talking is harming our mental health? Well, #@%&!
07/08/02 Americans retain right to fork tongues
07/01/02 These laws were made to be broken
06/18/02 Watching enough commercials?
06/03/02 Throwing your vote to the dogs
05/08/02 Hey, Mom, could you spare a dime?: Parents' obligations unending

© 2002, Sarasota Herald Tribune