Jewish World Review July 28, 2004 / 10 Menachem-Av, 5764

David Grimes

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Consumer Reports


Signs say more than intended


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | As if you needed another reason not to travel overseas, there is the very real chance that you will encounter some poorly translated English signs.


(All of these items are guaranteed to be 100 percent legitimate in the sense that they were found on the Internet.)


In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."


Customers who serve themselves in a non-courteous manner will presumably be escorted from the premises. By themselves.


In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."


You might want to think twice before accepting an invitation to a pool party at this place.


In an appliance store window: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."


The instructions are a little vague as to how you would trick your wife into getting into the washing machine in the first place. Perhaps you could bait her with one of the aforementioned pool workers.


In a clothing store: "Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."


This is good news because men with multiple necks are almost always required to pay full price.


Outside a disco: "Smart's is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome."


That's why nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.



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Notice in a dry cleaner's window: "Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of."


That seems like a rather stiff penalty for failing to pick up your shirts on time, but rules are rules.


In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily."


Complaints made at any other time would presumably be totally unexpected.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday."


Apparently artistic expression can still get you into lots of trouble in Russia.


Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."



But not on Thursdays. In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- No ice cream."


Tomorrow's special: No hamburgers.


In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."


That way when we lose your luggage, you can't say we didn't warn you.


A sign on an automatic air dryer in a restroom: "Do not activate with wet hands."


Presumably you're supposed to wipe your hands off on your shirt first.


In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."


Needless to say, the place is packed Sunday nights.


In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."


Otherwise, let him sleep.


In a London office: "After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."


I think I'll have coffee if it's all the same to you.

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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

Up

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