Jewish World Review March 31, 2004 / 9 Nissan, 5764

David Grimes

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Consumer Reports


Name that planetoid


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | For those of you who are looking for an "out-of-the-way" place to spend your summer vacation, astronomers have discovered a new planetoid that wanders as far as 84 billion miles from earth.

(Planetoid, by the way, means "little planet," not "planet that slugged 73 home runs because it was jacked up on human growth hormone.")

The planetoid orbits the sun only once every 10,500 years, meaning that you would have to tote an extremely bulky day-planner. The distant object, where temperatures seldom rise above minus-400 degrees F. and sunburn is never a problem, has been tentatively dubbed Sedna after the Inuit goddess who created the sea creatures of the Arctic. (The name Mrs. Paul, the American domestic goddess who invented chopped, shaped frozen fish sticks, was apparently trademarked and unavailable for use.)

The discovery of Sedna is bad news for Pluto, which was formerly the most distant object in the solar system. Pluto is reportedly undergoing counseling to help it deal with its diminished status. Showing sympathy for Pluto's plight, Nike is thinking of outsourcing some jobs there just as soon as it rounds up enough children to operate the sewing machines.

Even more intriguing, astronomers say they expect to discover many more Sedna-like planetoids in the near future, which means it's not too early to begin thinking of possible names for these mysterious objects.

Here are some suggested names that astronomers are free to use or reject (my money's on reject) as new planetoids are discovered:

Changeadide. The goddess of parents of very small children. Not to be confused with Nononoius, the goddess of parents whose children are going through the Terrible Twos.

Catheter. The god of elderly men with bladder disorders. Not to be confused with Angina, the god of elderly men with heart conditions that seem to miraculously go away when golf is mentioned.

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Egos. The god of professional athletes. Not to be confused with Gropius, the god of professional athletes when they are off the playing field.

Bonus. The god of grossly overcompensated CEOs. Not to be confused with Fraudius, the god of grossly overcompensated CEOs who find themselves under investigation by the federal government.

Testes. The god of American public schoolchildren whose education consists mostly of taking state and/or federally mandated examinations. Not to be confused with whatever other dirty thing you were thinking.

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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

Up

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