Jewish World Review Feb. 18, 2004 / 26 Shevat, 5764

David Grimes

Grimes
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


California needs its chi adjusted


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Perhaps as a means of taking people's minds off the state's $14 billion deficit and the fact that nobody has a job, a California lawmaker has introduced a resolution urging architects to design buildings with a more positive energy flow.

San Francisco Democrat Leland Yee, assistant speaker pro tempore of the California State Assembly, is of the opinion that far too many buildings in the state are woefully out of touch with their feng shui, which, loosely translated, means "goofy, New-Age-y Oriental interior decorating scam that we sincerely hoped we had heard the last of 10 years ago."

Actually, feng shui is the art of creating living spaces that are in harmony with the environment and promote happiness, health and prosperity. A properly arranged feng shui home or office promotes the flow of "chi," or positive energy, to the point that you can barely open a door without being carried away in a torrent of the stuff.

I must admit that I originally thought that California's many problems were due to a bad economy and incompetent leadership, but I now realize that most of the state's woes are due to chairs facing the wrong direction and insufficient use of mirrors.

I hadn't thought of it before, but it's quite possible that the negative energy flow that occasionally finds its way into this column is the result of poor feng shui in my home office, where much of this drivel originates. At this moment, as I stare out my smudged window, a sandhill crane is pecking at the rear-view mirror of my car. Since the crane stands about 4 feet tall and has a beak the size of a pair of hedge trimmers, there is very little likelihood that this pecking will in any way improve the overall performance of my rear-view mirror.

To avoid being drowned in a sea of bad chi, I instruct my two pug dogs, Satan I and Satan II, to bark at the crane and scare it away. I don't feel that this is an unreasonable request since both dogs have spent the entire morning sleeping on the couch, inhaling and exhaling valuable feng shui that might have discouraged the bird from pecking at my mirror in the first place. (Excessive pug snoring is also no doubt responsible for the numerous fire-ant mounds in my yard and for the fact that I can't seem to get any grass to grow.)



Donate to JWR


But the dogs, which have been known to bark at improperly aligned oxygen molecules three blocks away, show no interest in the crane or in the fact that it is vandalizing my mirror. (Satan I responds to my request by lifting his leg on my bookcase, sending my office's chi plummeting to a level one normally associates with Saddam Hussein's bunker.)

So, I can definitely understand Leland Yee's concerns that California will soon break off from the rest of the country and sink into the Pacific Ocean if people don't come to their senses and shift their bed around so it faces a door.

The chi is not to be trifled with. If you don't believe me, I'll show you the bill for my mirror.

Appreciate this column? Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.



JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

Up

02/11/04: Pleeze by sum stuph frum me
02/03/04: A tale of two generations
01/28/04: Warning: Labels on products are getting wackier and wackier
01/21/04: It's a computer! No, it's a side dish! Skeptical? Look under the hood
01/07/04: Nursery rhymes to scare the kids by
12/30/03: Ear-scratcher fingered by police
12/24/03: Gifts for that not-so-special someone
12/18/03: Things we hate to do
12/09/03: Keep your name out of this book
12/03/03: When tots control the world
11/18/03: Danger: TVs falling from above
11/11/03: Songs that won't go away
11/04/03: Keep technology away from the monkeys
10/29/03: A career of sensational regrets
10/22/03: Ig Nobels reward weird science
10/16/03: TV golf needs a kick in the pants
10/08/03: That's geek to me
09/30/03: A man, a woman and a cat
09/22/03: A tale of two spams
09/16/03: Librarian action figure will be taking no guff
09/10/03: Slackers need to remain invisible
09/02/03: No fun in the summertime
08/26/03: The algebra of love
08/11/03: Journey to the center of the pavement cracks
08/06/03: Word dominance by U.S. appears a fait accompli
07/28/03: Ads that are hard to swallow
07/09/03: Keep cows out of the classroom
07/03/03: Little-appreciated facts about unshaven men
06/24/03: Brother, can you paradigm?
06/18/03: Cats, TV not a good mix
06/10/03: In defense of grumpiness
06/04/03: Do we really need keyboards in our Port-A-Johns?
05/29/03: Always a dull men's moment
05/21/03: Bad PC hygiene leads to bugs
05/12/03:Army mops up; Tony Blair doesn't
05/06/03: Grill a hamburger for PETA
05/01/03: Exams spice history
04/23/03: Too much money? Tax me more!
04/14/03: When good gourds go bad
04/11/03: One fish-tale that isn't --- and that's no lie!
04/02/03: Do you really want to know what your dog's thinking?
03/26/03: Pajamas make high school less stressful
03/21/03: It's time to be nice to the French
03/03/03: The ultimate clean and constructive sport
02/12/03: Get a bang out of cleaning with cruise vacuum
02/06/03: Voluntary kindness? Not likely
01/28/03: Signs our economy is on upswing
01/22/03: There may be cash in your old underwear
01/15/03: Banish these words, now more than ever
01/07/03: Coughing as an art form
12/24/02: Parents shell out for missed homework
12/17/02: French government says no to @ symbol
12/11/02: A latecomer joins fellowship of the DVD
12/02/02: Don't worry, be fat, unfit and really happy
11/18/02: Intrigued by a German invention that could get teens out of bed before the crack of noon
11/06/02: A noose by any other name ...
10/29/02: Iranian dogs on notice
10/22/02: Talk about a job that stinks --- literally!
10/15/02: The official world's funniest joke
10/02/02: Japanese turn eyes to computer haikus
09/27/02: Oh, no! Bosses want to know what's on your mind
09/24/02: An airbag, humanity's salvation?
09/17/02: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
09/06/02: Come listen to a story about a man named ... Bill
09/03/02: You're not in preschool anymore!
08/30/02: A charming idea from a brutal, whacked-out, megalomaniacal dictator-for-life
08/26/02: Blubber water? How to put on the pounds by gulping H20
08/21/02: The latest evidence that Mother Nature is out to kill us
08/13/02: Computers, airplanes and Canada don't mix
08/06/02: The sky's not falling? Dang it!
08/02/02: Some fond memories of worst TV shows
07/30/02: Pay my credit-card bill, please?
07/25/02: Something to celebrate
07/22/02: Baseball needs to ban the fans
07/16/02: Hasbro should consider new inaction figure
07/11/02: Decline in trash-talking is harming our mental health? Well, #@%&!
07/08/02 Americans retain right to fork tongues
07/01/02 These laws were made to be broken
06/18/02 Watching enough commercials?
06/03/02 Throwing your vote to the dogs
05/08/02 Hey, Mom, could you spare a dime?: Parents' obligations unending

© 2002, Sarasota Herald Tribune