Jewish World Review Dec. 24, 2003 / 29 Kislev, 5764

David Grimes

Grimes
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


Gifts for that not-so-special someone


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The hot new gift sensation this holiday season appears to be … poop.

Well, maybe not where you shop. But where I shop, at a Web site called, appropriately enough, www.stupid.com, poop is very big.

Take the 2004 Monthly Doos Dog Poop calendar, priced to move at $12.95. Each month features a professionally taken photograph of a majestic vista or tableau (I'm not sure what the difference is, but they're majestic nonetheless) dotted, somewhere, with a pile of poo. Whether the Monthly Doos calendar qualifies as art is a matter of debate, which is why you should most definitely give one of these babies to that artsy-fartsy friend of yours who spends his weekends visiting the galleries and museums while you are at the swamp buggy races swilling beer and digging mud out of your ear. He may be so appreciative that he will never speak to you again.


If you want to send a tasteless gift to that "special someone" on your Christmas list but don't feel like shelling out $13, consider the Candy Pooping Pig, also available through www.stupid.com for $4.99. You put round, bite-size candies (preferably chocolate) inside the little plastic pig, give him a squeeze and, well, you can figure out the rest. The best thing about the Candy Pooping Pig is that it is a gift for all seasons, not just Christmas. You might consider giving it to your wife or girlfriend on Valentine's Day instead of flowers or jewelry. And, please: Don't bother mentioning that I suggested it. I really prefer that you take all the credit.


A more useful and educational poop-related gift is Potty Time Toilet Training Bear. Members of the diaper set will love its plush, cuddly feel and also the bouncy little jingle that Potty Time Toilet Training Bear sings over and over and over again until you, the frazzled, mop-wielding parent, soak Potty Time Toilet Training Bear in gasoline (I'd suggest Super Premium) and set him on fire, possibly alongside the Monthly Doos calendar. Just to give you a head start, the jingle goes like this:


"I'm a Super Duper Pooper, I know when I have to go. Take a bow I'm a big kid now. I'm the best Pooper you know!"


For that more mature friend or relative of yours who likes his poop with a dollop of science, may I suggest the E. coli Infection Tie, available through www.med-psych.net/doctor-gifts for $39.95. The pattern on this all-silk beauty is a photomicrograph of E. coli, an infectious organism in poop. If you want to collect the whole set, anthrax, plague, cholera and HIV/AIDS are some of the other colorful patterns available. (If this seems horribly insensitive to you, be advised that a portion of the sale proceeds goes to research and education.)

Donate to JWR

My final gift recommendation does not actually involve poop, unless it makes you involuntarily do it, which is entirely possible. It is called Shocking Roulette and it is available through www.fullofitawards.co.uk for $23.08. Advertised as a way to "test your Christmas nerves" (getting the attention of a clerk at a department store is apparently not enough of a test anymore), Shocking Roulette involves four players, each of whom places a finger in a slot. The roulette wheel is spun and a random victim receives an electric shock, goes into cardiac arrest and dies. (I am making that last part up, I sincerely hope.)


Still, I think it's kind of nice when four good friends can get together over the holidays and send small electrical currents through each other's bodies.

It would easily be an improvement over fruitcake, but still not quite as exciting as a Candy Pooping Pig.

Appreciate this column? Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.



JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

Up

12/18/03: Things we hate to do
12/09/03: Keep your name out of this book
12/03/03: When tots control the world
11/18/03: Danger: TVs falling from above
11/11/03: Songs that won't go away
11/04/03: Keep technology away from the monkeys
10/29/03: A career of sensational regrets
10/22/03: Ig Nobels reward weird science
10/16/03: TV golf needs a kick in the pants
10/08/03: That's geek to me
09/30/03: A man, a woman and a cat
09/22/03: A tale of two spams
09/16/03: Librarian action figure will be taking no guff
09/10/03: Slackers need to remain invisible
09/02/03: No fun in the summertime
08/26/03: The algebra of love
08/11/03: Journey to the center of the pavement cracks
08/06/03: Word dominance by U.S. appears a fait accompli
07/28/03: Ads that are hard to swallow
07/09/03: Keep cows out of the classroom
07/03/03: Little-appreciated facts about unshaven men
06/24/03: Brother, can you paradigm?
06/18/03: Cats, TV not a good mix
06/10/03: In defense of grumpiness
06/04/03: Do we really need keyboards in our Port-A-Johns?
05/29/03: Always a dull men's moment
05/21/03: Bad PC hygiene leads to bugs
05/12/03:Army mops up; Tony Blair doesn't
05/06/03: Grill a hamburger for PETA
05/01/03: Exams spice history
04/23/03: Too much money? Tax me more!
04/14/03: When good gourds go bad
04/11/03: One fish-tale that isn't --- and that's no lie!
04/02/03: Do you really want to know what your dog's thinking?
03/26/03: Pajamas make high school less stressful
03/21/03: It's time to be nice to the French
03/03/03: The ultimate clean and constructive sport
02/12/03: Get a bang out of cleaning with cruise vacuum
02/06/03: Voluntary kindness? Not likely
01/28/03: Signs our economy is on upswing
01/22/03: There may be cash in your old underwear
01/15/03: Banish these words, now more than ever
01/07/03: Coughing as an art form
12/24/02: Parents shell out for missed homework
12/17/02: French government says no to @ symbol
12/11/02: A latecomer joins fellowship of the DVD
12/02/02: Don't worry, be fat, unfit and really happy
11/18/02: Intrigued by a German invention that could get teens out of bed before the crack of noon
11/06/02: A noose by any other name ...
10/29/02: Iranian dogs on notice
10/22/02: Talk about a job that stinks --- literally!
10/15/02: The official world's funniest joke
10/02/02: Japanese turn eyes to computer haikus
09/27/02: Oh, no! Bosses want to know what's on your mind
09/24/02: An airbag, humanity's salvation?
09/17/02: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
09/06/02: Come listen to a story about a man named ... Bill
09/03/02: You're not in preschool anymore!
08/30/02: A charming idea from a brutal, whacked-out, megalomaniacal dictator-for-life
08/26/02: Blubber water? How to put on the pounds by gulping H20
08/21/02: The latest evidence that Mother Nature is out to kill us
08/13/02: Computers, airplanes and Canada don't mix
08/06/02: The sky's not falling? Dang it!
08/02/02: Some fond memories of worst TV shows
07/30/02: Pay my credit-card bill, please?
07/25/02: Something to celebrate
07/22/02: Baseball needs to ban the fans
07/16/02: Hasbro should consider new inaction figure
07/11/02: Decline in trash-talking is harming our mental health? Well, #@%&!
07/08/02 Americans retain right to fork tongues
07/01/02 These laws were made to be broken
06/18/02 Watching enough commercials?
06/03/02 Throwing your vote to the dogs
05/08/02 Hey, Mom, could you spare a dime?: Parents' obligations unending

© 2002, Sarasota Herald Tribune