Jewish World Review July 14, 2004 / 25 Tamuz, 5764

David Grimes

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Consumer Reports

Turning sand into gold | A Nokomis man has made headlines and, more importantly, some money selling plastic bags of Siesta Key beach sand over the Internet.

For as little as $9.50, Greg Nelson will sell you a pound of "world famous" Siesta Beach sand that is reputed to have magical qualities, not the least of them being the power to make otherwise sane people shell out good money for sand.

While I have nothing against Siesta Beach sand or any other sand, for that matter, it's not high on my list of collectibles. For one thing, it would be hard to whip up enthusiasm for your new hobby. I imagine a conversation with a friend or relative going something like this:

"Hey! Would you like to see my bag of sand?"


But that is not the point. The point is that if there is a market for sand, there must be a market for a lot of other worthless stuff, too, if you could just find someone shameless enough to exploit it. Fortunately, I am free this afternoon, which is why I am offering for sale, for the first time ever

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Grass clippings. No, these are not your common, garden-variety grass clippings; these are genuine, authentic East Manatee grass clippings from my very own yard. I personally certify my grass clippings to be anywhere from 25 to 30 percent free of weeds and/or sandspurs. (Fire ants included at no extra charge.) My grass clippings have been known to induce a mild state of euphoria, especially if used in connection with a stiff gin and tonic.

Due to the cheapness and laziness of the homeowner, my grass clippings are guaranteed to be pesticide- and fertilizer-free, unless one of the dogs happened to be wandering around that particular area. Because of their many therapeutic qualities, my grass clippings make an excellent birthday or anniversary present for that "special someone" on your list.

Don't delay! Buy my grass clippings now, before the rainy season ends and my yard reverts back to its natural state of mottled dirt.

Opening bid: $19.99 per sack.

Dog hair. Personally donated by our two pugs, Satan I and Satan II, this dog hair is unsurpassed in its ability to attach itself to clothes, furniture, passing airplanes, etc. Are you unwilling to spend $800, $900 or even as much as $1,000 for a purebred pug puppy? Not to worry! Just buy 5 or more pounds of our dogs' hair and you can knit one of your own! (Internal organs sold separately.)

Our pug hair is reclaimed directly from our state-of-the-art vacuum cleaner bag and is guaranteed to be 100 percent brown. A nice, rounded wad of our dog hair makes an excellent wedding centerpiece or mantel decoration. If you are not completely satisfied with your dog hair, return it and we'll send you even more.

Opening bid: $39.95 per ball.

Empty soda cans. These cans have been retrieved, at great personal peril, from underneath our teenager's bed. Some of the cans are of recent vintage; some may date all the way back to the middle years of the Clinton administration. If you are a history buff, this is the item for you!

Since we basically clean under the teenager's bed with the help of a stout rake, there is an excellent possibility that your empty-soda-can order will also include some petrified French fries, a few random shards of pizza and a dirty sock or two. These "bonus" gifts are yours to keep at no extra charge. Take advantage of this terrific offer today before the EPA comes in and declares his bedroom a hazardous waste site!

Opening bid: $79.95 per cube.

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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.


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06/10/03: In defense of grumpiness
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04/23/03: Too much money? Tax me more!
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03/26/03: Pajamas make high school less stressful
03/21/03: It's time to be nice to the French
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02/12/03: Get a bang out of cleaning with cruise vacuum
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01/28/03: Signs our economy is on upswing
01/22/03: There may be cash in your old underwear
01/15/03: Banish these words, now more than ever
01/07/03: Coughing as an art form
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12/11/02: A latecomer joins fellowship of the DVD
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09/24/02: An airbag, humanity's salvation?
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08/30/02: A charming idea from a brutal, whacked-out, megalomaniacal dictator-for-life
08/26/02: Blubber water? How to put on the pounds by gulping H20
08/21/02: The latest evidence that Mother Nature is out to kill us
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08/02/02: Some fond memories of worst TV shows
07/30/02: Pay my credit-card bill, please?
07/25/02: Something to celebrate
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07/16/02: Hasbro should consider new inaction figure
07/11/02: Decline in trash-talking is harming our mental health? Well, #@%&!
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07/01/02 These laws were made to be broken
06/18/02 Watching enough commercials?
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05/08/02 Hey, Mom, could you spare a dime?: Parents' obligations unending

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