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Jewish World Review July 10, 2003 / 10 Tamuz 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports

OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT BUSH: Please Don't Make Me Put My Family Back On Ebay | Dear Mr. President,

First off I want you to know that I really appreciate your $380 million tax cut, um, give back. You've assured us that it will turn the economy around soon. I believe you. I really do. Problem is, I fall about a quarter million short of the quarter million income line where I would truly benefit and my kids need to eat today. Worse, this eating business has started to become an everyday thing. And I'm having a tough time making ends meet. Even fronts meeting is tough, what with the wife's dismay of my wage inadequacy.

Let me remind you that earlier this year I placed my family on eBay in a hopeful attempt to find some lonely, family-deprived, multi-billionaire, savvy enough to invest in us...for a minimum bid of $5million. We did receive a bid of $5million but unfortunately the bidder did not meet our minimum condition: you had to have the money.

This has led to some problems. For one, we're having great difficulty getting back on eBay. Something about not being allowed to sell humans. What is this country coming to when you can't sell people anymore? Please do something about the Supreme Court, willya?

And without being able to sell the family, I have been faced with actually finding a job to support them. That is until I found that I don't how to do anything which would produce a living, you know, except write...and sell family members. And if you've seen some of the results of my writing, you know that profiting from it is a longshot at best.

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I know that you might suggest that I should go out and learn how to do something else. Unfortunately, I've found that I have an, um, learning disorder, which doesn't allow me to learn anything new. It's some kind of Attention Deficit Disorder which I choose not to chance corrective measures lest I discover that if I'm able to learn to something new, that something would turn out to be "hard" work. I am willing to work, but I'm not nuts.

Even if I did try to find a job, that darn Clinton recession keeps propping up. Seems the nation's unemployment rate shot up to 6.4 percent in June, the highest level in more than nine years, and the largest month-to-month rise (almost a million more unemployed) since the Sept. 11, 2001 terror attacks. You were right. It's STILL the terrorist's fault. Finally, the vindication that those pernicious little liberals down at the Labor Department refuse to accept. Still they try. Now the LD scallywags say the job market is still very much in a state of recession and that the lackluster economy isn't producing enough jobs to accommodate increasing number of job-seekers. In fact, since you took office, the nation's factories have cut 2.6 million jobs. Damn, damn Clinton.

Still, I need to find a way to support my wife and family in a way they've been accustomed to. Of course I could do that by going on welfare, but then I'd have to find a real job within two years. That's a lot of pressure and then I'm back in the same place I am today: trying to make a living without working.

And so, I come to my reason for writing.

Could you please adopt me and my family? Besides the obvious tax benefit from the deductions alone, with me being a rather liberal columnist, it would be a great way to show your willingness to reach across the aisle and beef up the "compassionate" part of compassionate conservative. As you have said, if anyone has a problem with the U.S., "bring 'em on." We do have a problem and what I'm begging you to do is...BRING US ON.

JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is Comment by clicking here.

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05/27/03: No popcorn refills? What's next, no stealing Sweet & Low?
05/19/03: Measuring failure of character is an uneven science: Failure May In Fact Be A+
05/16/03: Liar, liar, American Idol's on fire?
04/16/03: TAKE ME OUT OF THE BALL GAME: Politics pitched at national pastime and baseball strikes out
04/11/03: Goodbye Shecky Al-Sahaf, We Hardly Knew Ye
04/04/03: An open letter to the right...and left
03/25/03: Should we be funny during war?
03/19/03: The 2003 Academy aWARds
03/04/03: Energy shortage vs energy profit: A Political Primer
02/28/03: Celebrities for war
02/20/03: So you want to be a liberal talk show host
02/18/03: The Sting, Part II: Osama turns himself in
02/10/03: Michael Jackson threat level raised to "orange"
01/23/03: Can we really blame HBO for terrorism?
01/09/03: You can buy your very own family...on eBay
01/02/03: A look back at a sorry but pretty funny year
12/30/02: Using 2002ís failures to make a successful 2003
12/20/02: McCartney Credit Reverse Sets A Dangerous Precedent
12/18/02: Radio talk takes a surprise hit
12/16/02: Apologies running rampant: The country is in a sorry state
12/13/02: Lott apologizes for his apologies
11/26/02: Finding the McTunity within their McFailure
11/15/02: Can the Dems learn from Lincoln's failures?
11/06/02: The Day After... who'll comfort me now?
11/04/02: We can all fight ageism!
10/29/02: Was I totally responsible for the market's upsurge?
10/09/02: Finding The Bull Within: Wall Street Needs To Rethink The "F" Word
10/01/02: Merriam-Webster Needs To Rethink the "F" word
09/25/02: Held up in the passing lane ... and life's other positive curve balls
09/23/02: Shrinking the waist problem: Using Good Old American Failure To Lose Inches
09/17/02: Earth to Florida: No more elections
09/11/02: The humor will return. Just not yet
09/09/02: Bush coalition on fast track
08/30/02: N'Sync's Bass gets NASA okay: Former astronauts Gagarin and Glenn form boy band
08/21/02: Insider's a good thing
08/05/02: America goes Madison Ave.: The Selling of America
07/29/02: ROCKIN' RENO: The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
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04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
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04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
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03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
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02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is


© 2002, Steve Young