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Jewish World Review June 2, 2003 / 2 Sivan 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Lib Admits an unrequited Conservative affair | First you should know that I tend to fall on the liberal side of the coin. I used to be a moderate but I woke up one day and found someone had slid the ideological midpoint over to the right and bango, I was a certified far left wing liberal, or so those on the right said.

As a liberal columnist it is my responsibility to cleverly look for the holes in conservative arguments and there is no place better to find conservative holes than on AM radio. And for the past five or six years it's been a pretty easy job with a clear them versus us, I don't like them a cotton-pickin' inch mentality. But recently a wrench was thrown into my clever vindictiveness. And that wrench is Sean Hannity.

Y'see, Sean Hannity is a syndicated radio talk show host who doubles up the workload as the conservative half of Fox News TV's Hannity & Colmes, and it's near impossible not to like the guy. He is just so adorable. I want to make this very clear, Mr. Santorum, when I say Sean is adorable I don't mean I'm attracted to him in the non-hetero, I'd like to spend some time with the guy way. I'm more attracted to him in the boy I would really love to be that guy way.

Have you ever listened to him? He only asks three hours a day, that's all. I invested the time one day and I'm afraid I've become Hannitized. I'm not exactly sure what Hannitzed means, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with saying you're no longer going to talk about Bill Clinton and then you talk about not talking about him every day thereafter. It sounds a bit misleading, but I don't care, 'cause the guy is just so darn cute. Y'just want to squeeze him. And charming? Even when he says something that isn't exactly bathed in fact, I want to hug him. They call that disarming. How can I be sure? When your mother doesn't have time to talk to you on the phone because, "Sean is on," you have to swallow the inevitable. He's a mentsh. Ask MARTY!

He's like a cold sore that you don't treat because everyone thinks it's a beauty mark. You know how most Conservative hosts won't bring on bright people on the opposition to debate? Sean brings them all on. For criminy's sake, he's made Clinton's old advisor (who did not turn on him) Lanny Davis a regular. My guess is that he'd have Bill and Hillary on at the same time, that is if Bill and Hillary would be anywhere at the same time.

When Sean tells me that I (the Liberal I) am the cause of all the world's trouble, I don't want to bash him, I want to kiss him (but not in the privacy of my own bedroom way). It's true. Have you seen the mug on this guy? He's the Tom Cruise of Conservatism. I mean, if Tom Cruise drove an SUV and didn't make his living in Hollywood.

So, here's the story. Y'know how they've been talking about a Liberal Radio Talk Show network? Well, I was thinking of becoming one of the hosts. Not that they're bidding for my services, but if they did, I'd want to do it the way Sean does. I don't want to Bill O'Reilly-bloody them against the studio wall. I want to lambaste my opponents without once making them wince. I want to slam their views and never have them lose their smile. I want to get angry and have my adversary try to placate me. Listen to some of the debates he has with Dems. He's Mata Hari (or Katrina Leung) in jacket and tie. He'll unzip your honor and steal your convictions without ever mussing your ACLU membership.

Of course I don't have a President or party in control to agree with at most every turn. I don't even have a former president to tear asunder ad infinitum. How many times can I say, "But he threw up on the Chinese leader?"

While I certainly could use the job -- it's not like the liberal me is going to make a living authoring "Conservatives are evil" books -- I believe if they really want Liberal Talk Radio to work, forget Michael Moore and Al Franken. Take all the talent cash and slip it to Sean. Just tell him you found another 130 million people who need to be Hannitized. Need a kicker? Let him know how many more books he could sell. "Let Freedom Ring?" Heck, let the cash register ring. That might turn his well-coiffed head.

Alas, I doubt that Sean will be fooled into crossing over, nor will I soon become Sean. So I guess I'm just stuck with doing my talk radio shtick for my mom --- after six PM EST.

Alright. Column's up against a hard break, so when we come back we'll trash the lines and you'll have five seconds to write me whatever you want. I am not responsible for any misspellings, mixed-metaphors, inarticulate composition, dangling participles, slang, split infinitives and overuse of "nor" and "neither" when "or" and "either" would suffice.


JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is Comment by clicking here.

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© 2002, Steve Young