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Jewish World Review May 21, 2002 / 10 Sivan, 5762

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief | NETANYA An Arab terrorist being pursued by Israeli police Monday detonated explosives at a busy intersection here --- killing only himself, but causing no other injuries to passersby and prompting Allah to issue the following statement:

"He can forget the 72 virgins. He'll be lucky to get one or two red-headed ninety-year-olds. This whole kill-a-bunch-of-innocents-and-then-you-get -into-paradise junk has been a divine pain in the rear. I've got these lunatic jihad freaks praying to Me maybe five-six times a day for guidance and then these yokels go out and spread hate and violent crapola. As far as I'm concerned, the bunch of 'em can go to hell."

"And it's been hell up here, too," added Bambi Mandrell, a representative of the Heaven's Virgins Against The Bombers. "Ever since those jokers down there started trying to shove these nutballs down our throats, you can't go anywhere without some exploded Hamas or Al Quaeda fundamentalist asking us for a piece of you know what. A lot of us virgins had to work very hard to remain this way. Why would we give it up to every Tom, Dick and Mohammed who has the asinine idea that blowing up some innocent would turn us on?"

Down on Earth, there were also ramifications for the bomber's family as the debacle set in motion the little known "No atrocity, No payee" criterion as Saudi Arabia has refused to send any money to the bomber's family.

"A deal's a deal," said Saudi Head of Suicide Bomber Compensation, Mullah Habeed. The guy screwed up. "You can't expect us to pay someone for not doing his job."

The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine took responsibility for Monday's foul up.

"My bad," said Some Smelly Guy Wearing A Black Hood . "I'm pretty sure I forgot to mention that he was supposed to blow up others with him. But you live and learn ... At least I do."

JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of the forthcoming "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful," Tallfellow Press, 2002 Comment by clicking here.

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© 2002, Steve Young