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Jewish World Review March 18, 2002 / 15 Nisan, 5762

Steve Young

Steve Young
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The Realies | As Hollywood and The Academy Awards roll unabated over any and all in its path, I add another award which is meant to cut through all the red carpet and the plethora of nominees to shine a spotlight on the awards the truly have affected our lives. The REALIES.

Here are the winners:

"STILL SEARCHING FOR A MEANING" ADVERTISING AWARD: The Superbowl "MLife" commercials. When you find out, call me.

"I'M NOT GUILTY OF ANY WRONG DOING AND HERE'S WHY" AWARD: Enron's, Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling and Andrew Fastow take the fifth at Congressional hearing.

"BEST GOLD, NO SILVER, NO GOLD"AWARD: Canada, no Russia, no Canada and Russia.... Never mind.

"FRANCE SURRENDERS AGAIN" AWARD: French Olympics ice skating judge, Marie-Reine Le Gougne "pressured" to give higher points to the Russian pair of Anissina and Peizerat.

BEST USAGE OF A TRAGEDY TO TAKE SPOTLIGHT AWAY FROM A RUNAWAY TRAIN WRECK: 9/11 wiping any memory that Gary Condit and his behavior ever existed.

MOST UNBELIEVABLE USAGE OF A TRAGEDY TO FURTHER NETWORK COMEDY, BUT THEN AGAIN IT'S NETWORK TELEVISION SO MAYBE IT ISN'T ALL THAT UNBELIEVABLE: CBS president Les Moonves' announcement to the New York press that CBS was considering creating a sitcom based on 9/11.

BEST CHEF WORK NOT DONE BY WOLFGANG PUCK: (TIE) Arthur Anderson and Enron for their distinctive cooking of Enron's books.

"THIS AIN'T YOUR AVERAGE COLE SLAW" AWARD: Enron's shredding of potentially damaging evidence.

"AIN'T IT JUST LIKE PRESIDENTIAL KIDS" AWARD: Pre-adult presidential twins, Jenna and Barbara, partake in adult refreshment

"AIN'T IT JUST LIKE PRESIDENTIAL NIECES" AWARD: Jeb Bush's daughter, Noelle, partakes in adult narcotics.

BEST SELF-INFLICTED ATTACK ON A PRESIDENT: President Bush's confrontation with a extremely dry pretzel and his subsequent collapse.

BEST SWITCH TO THE OTHER TEAM SINCE RENEE RICHARDS: Vermont Senator Jim Jeffords swaying the power in the senate with his shift to the Democratic Party. Honorary Mention: Liberal Geraldo Rivera switch from CNBC to conservative Fox News.

MOST DAMAGE TO THE COURT SYSTEM SINCE O.J. The announcement that the Bush administration the war on terrorism requires special military tribunals to try noncitizens suspected of terrorist war crimes.

BEST "BUT HE WAS SUCH A GOOD BOY" PERFORMANCE BY A PARENT OF A TERRORIST (tie) The parents of John Walker Lindh and Osama bin Laden's mother.

TED KENNEDY MEMORIAL DRIVING AWARD: The U.S. sub Greeneville rams and sinks Japanese fisheries teaching vessel Ehime Maru off Hawaii during a surfacing maneuver, killing nine.

GARY POWERS "WORST HANDLING OF AN INTERNATIONAL CRISIS" AWARD: China, for holding a U.S. spy plane and its crew after an airborne collision with a Chinese warplane.

"BLUE LIGHT NOT SO SPECIAL" (or) "NOW WHERE WILL MARTHA STEWART GO SLUMMING" AWARD: K-Mart's announcing of Chapter 11 protection.

THE ROBERTO DURAN "NO MAS" AWARD: The federal government for throwing in the towel on its antitrust case against Microsoft.

"ADOLPH EICHMAN, WE HARDLY KNEW YE" AWARD: For former Yugoslav leader, Slobodan Milosevic's arrest and trial for war crimes and his plea that he is the victim here.

REVERSAL OF FORTUNE AWARD: President Bush's image change from before 9/11 to after. Distant second pace: Majority Leader Daschle, whose name in the eyes of talk show pundits, went from Tom to Beelzebub.

"IS IT HOT OF IS IT JUST US?" AWARD: The Bush administration's refusal to sign on to sign an agreement that most other nations have to take steps to curb global climate change.

"I WOULDN'T SIT TOO CLOSE TO A TREE IN THE RAIN" AWARD: Jerry Falwell for his statements that feminists, gays and the ACLU have angered G-d and were partly to blame for the terrorist attacks.

"PRESIDENT? HELL, I'M GONNA RUN FOR KING" AWARD. Rudy Giuliani, who, in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, was a voice of calm and reason respected by Americans everywhere.

"WHERE ARE THEY NOW" AWARD: Osama bin Laden for the greatest disappearing act since Houdini. Hon

orable Mention: Vice President Dick Cheney and Chandra Levy. "CAN'T YOU GET THE MESSAGE?" AWARD: Gary Condit's reelection campaign. "SURE I'D LIKE TO BE REELECTED" (or) "OH, THAT CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM BILL" AWARD : Every member of the house and senate who has received campaign contributions from Enron and are reconsidering their non-support of the bill.

MR. SENSITIVITY AWARD: Secretary of Treasury, Paul O'Neill's comment that Enron's collapse, layoffs, loss of employee retirement funds and shareholder investments as "... part of the genius of capitalism."

"YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS" AWARD: Mariah Carey checking herself into a hospital after receiving a $28 million recording contract from EMI Music and starring in "Glitter," the first movie she ever made.

"THE THUD YOU JUST HEARD WAS MY CAREER HITTING BOTTOM" AWARD: Mariah Carey having her EMI contract terminated

"DIDN'T ANYONE SEE 'FREDDIE GOT FINGERED?'"AWARD: Mariah Carey for her film "Glitter."

"NOW ALL THE TALIBAN KIDS ARE GOING TO WANT THE SAME SNEAKERS" AWARD: Robert Reid's attempt to blow up a passenger plane with a bomb embedded in his shoes.

"I WOULDN'T WANT TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH BRYANT GUMBEL RIGHT NOW" AWARD: Adorable pays as Katie Couric for her signing of a $65 million contract to stay with NBC and "The Today Show."


"BUT BOB SAGET SAID I COULD WIN $10 THOUSAND" AWARD: Bin Laden's cave backdrop videos.

"I JUST WANTED TO HELP THE POOR GAL" AWARD: Robert Hanssen, the ex-FBI spy who sold out his country by handing secrets to the Russians for 15 years in exchange for diamonds and $1.4 million and spent a bunch of it on stripper, Priscilla Galey..

"I FORGOT THE DOGGIE BAG" AWARD: Robert Blake who after finding his wife shot, left her there alone and returned to Vitello's restaurant.

"SATCHEL PAGE 'YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO PLAY'" AWARD: 14 year old Bronx Little Leaguer, Danny Almonte, who truly outshone every 11 and 12 year old in the Little League World Series.

"NOW WHAT DO I TELL MY MOM WHY I'M NOT BEING HIRED?" AWARD: The Writers Guild and Producers sign on to an agreement averting a writer's strike.

"BUT AT LEAST I STILL HAVE THE ENRON STOCK" AWARD: Alan Greenspan's May announcement that we are officially in a recession.

THE "JOHN WAYNE, AUDIE MURPHY, WE CAN NEVER THANK YOU ENOUGH" AWARD: The New York Fire Department, the fearless passengers who fought back on United Airlines Flight 93, the police officers, postal workers, doctors, nurses and countless others whose bravery and dedication have inspired us all in the aftermath of Sept. 11.

JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of the forthcoming "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful," Tallfellow Press, 2002 Comment by clicking here.

02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is


© 2001, Steve Young