Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review Feb. 18, 2003 / 16 Adar I 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

The Sting, Part II: Osama turns himself in

"It Was The Duct Tape," admits bad boy Bin Laden | Somehow the picture of the most powerful country in the history of the world defending itself with duct tape and plastic sheets beckons one to consider ulterior, Machiavellian motives. Could this all be a brilliant covert strategy by Homeland Security overlord, Tom Ridge? Will Osama bin Laden, soon be turning himself into U.S. authorities revealing that the latest code orange terrorist alert brought down his entire terrorist infrastructure?

"For years the boys down at Al Qaeda research have been trying to contend with the very real possibility that Americans would employ duct tape to defend themselves from a fundamentalist Islamic attack on their very freedom," confessed the former cave-dwelling recluse. "How they knew I hated the color orange is beyond me. These guys are good."

Ridge must have something up his sleeve.

"I know most Americans, including Pelosi and the rest of those lefties down at the DNC, thought that we were wimpin' out with a seemingly pantywaist pigment program," beams Ridge. "We knew a long time ago that these guys had a big hangup with incandescent colors and duct tape. We just had to bide our time."

Perhaps there was a good reason the Secretary of State, Colin Powell seem to change midstream from middle-of-the-road, let's-take-a-deep-breath part of the government.

"I felt like such a dolt picking on Saddam and the good people of Iraq. But the president assured me this ruse would distract everyone from our real plan...what W liked to call, 'Duct, Duct Goose Osama.' But darnit if the old cowboy didn't know what he was doing."

Can't you just see the relieved Bush spokesman Ari Fleisher. "How do you think I felt? I had to stand up here everyday telling the world that we thought batteries, bottled water and...duct tape, would keep us safe from suicide terrorists and germ warfare. During some of those press conferences I felt like I was going to split a gut."

And the world would finally realize that far from the out-of-control-war-monger they've been protesting, President Bush was really a extraordinarily cunning, bombs-unnecessary strategist.

"I want to thank the networks, cable news outlets and talk radio for supporting our efforts. How Rush and O'Reilly kept a straight face while talking up the war effort against Iraq was pure patriotism our founding fathers would be proud of. In addition, our appreciation goes out to Home Depot and Duct Tape 'R Us stores across America for putting extra cashiers on to handle the public's panicked onslaught on their plastic and duct products."

Columnists and editorial boards of the liberal media would stop hounding our ever-kidding, Attorney General John Ashcroft.

"I can't believe that people were gullible enough to believe that we were actually going to curtail civil liberties. This is America, folks. We don't screw with the Constitution."

And IF this was truly all a finely-tuned plan will we finally get to delight in the vision of a defeated AND shackled bin Laden admitting a genuine disappointment with the President's tactics.

"War is a dirty business, but I thought even infidels were more civilized than to pull this kind of cr-p."

Will Robert Redford and Paul Newman show up at the United Nations tomorrow? We can only hope.

JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is Comment by clicking here.

02/10/03: Michael Jackson threat level raised to "orange"
01/23/03: Can we really blame HBO for terrorism?
01/09/03: You can buy your very own family...on eBay
01/02/03: A look back at a sorry but pretty funny year
12/30/02: Using 2002ís failures to make a successful 2003
12/20/02: McCartney Credit Reverse Sets A Dangerous Precedent
12/18/02: Radio talk takes a surprise hit
12/16/02: Apologies running rampant: The country is in a sorry state
12/13/02: Lott apologizes for his apologies
11/26/02: Finding the McTunity within their McFailure
11/15/02: Can the Dems learn from Lincoln's failures?
11/06/02: The Day After... who'll comfort me now?
11/04/02: We can all fight ageism!
10/29/02: Was I totally responsible for the market's upsurge?
10/09/02: Finding The Bull Within: Wall Street Needs To Rethink The "F" Word
10/01/02: Merriam-Webster Needs To Rethink the "F" word
09/25/02: Held up in the passing lane ... and life's other positive curve balls
09/23/02: Shrinking the waist problem: Using Good Old American Failure To Lose Inches
09/17/02: Earth to Florida: No more elections
09/11/02: The humor will return. Just not yet
09/09/02: Bush coalition on fast track
08/30/02: N'Sync's Bass gets NASA okay: Former astronauts Gagarin and Glenn form boy band
08/21/02: Insider's a good thing
08/05/02: America goes Madison Ave.: The Selling of America
07/29/02: ROCKIN' RENO: The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
06/14/02: Coulter for the defense?
05/21/02: SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED! Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief
05/19/02: Hey world! How about trying the shoe on the other foot hypotheses
05/13/02: AM Radio and Enron
05/03/02: "Deep Throat" to Be Revealed ... But will America Swallow It!?
04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
04/22/02: Former Liberal Seeks Conservative Book Deal
04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
04/01/02: My Uncle Miltie
03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
03/18/02: The Realies
02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is


© 2002, Steve Young