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Jewish World Review Jan. 9, 2003 / 6 Shevat 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports

You can buy your very own family...on eBay

Start Off The Brand New Year With A Brand New Family

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | One (1) attractive and stylish family of four (mother, father, daughter, son included). Father is a slightly balding, award-winning television writer, inspirational author, children's novelist, and film director. Mother is a gorgeous, multilingual homemaker with a penchant for crafting and cookery. 7 and 9 year old children are lovely and precocious, engaged in advanced elementary school programs. A steal with a 5 million dollar opening bid.

Thank you Bridgeville, Texas. You've given my family renewed hope. I've been banging my head against the wall for years in Hollywood pursuing that big break. Not that I haven't had my share of success, but I'm talking about the big one. The one that sets you up for life, and I've finally found it. Not in Hollywood, but on the Net.

Come this time next week my immediate family, including wife, two beautiful children and I, will be available to the highest bidder on eBay.com.

Before you think this is one of my hilarious, off-the-wall columns, written only to tickle your funny-bone, think again. This is a serious offering and above all, a great investment opportunity for some savvy, family-deprived multi-millionaire.

Sure, you're saying, it's a bargain, but does it pass the sanity test? Well, last month the small town of Bridgeville, Texas, was listed on eBay and sold for over three-quarters of a million dollars. Almost a million dollars for a rundown hamlet with no future. Just think what a flourishing writer with potential television, film and book deals is worth. Think that's nuts? Yeah, nuts like an anchovy pizza. And that's not all...!

If you are the highest bidder, you will also receive the adoration from two congenial children with an affinity for heart-warming, homemade birthday cards and copiousness, candy-coated smiles for both family and legal benefactors. All that, plus, my wife! A woman who both supported me through the tough times and, believe it or not, hare-brained ideas to survive those tough times.


You'll not only get a wonderful new family, but benefits beyond your dreams. As well as my lasting thanks, everything I write from this point on will be yours. That's right! You can be an author without the drudgery of actually writing. Imagine the thrill of watching you name flow by hurriedly on television and film credits. Children everywhere will go to bed reading your words, repeating your name. Everyone wants to be a director, well now you are one. And every single credit and award I win, is yours. Who doesn't want to stand up before scillions of viewers and accept marginal awards and accolades. The feeling is priceless, or in your case, something over 5 million.

Just imagine the pride you'll feel when you show up at the children's school shows and Little League games. They'll be singing and hitting one out for YOU!

You'll be the envy of all the other billionaires as you get to show off your new family at country club affairs, corporate picnics and celebrity photo-ops.

And there are other benefits...

We will change our last name to yours and our children will carry on your name ad honor well after you're gone.

If you are unable to attend the children's school programs or participate in family holiday dinners, monthly videos will keep you up to date on your family's latest meaningful experiences.

Every dollar I make, will be yours, allowing only exceptional school allowances at exceptional schools for your kids, with room and board for ma and pa at an estate of our choice.

And if you want us to live close enough for your patriarchal (or matriarchal) visits, we're there.

So, be sure to visit: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2905270846

Get your bid in early and often. Summer is coming and we're looking forward to spending it with YOU.

(This is an advanced offering that can only be acquired by bidding under the rules and regulations of eBay.com. Federal and state taxes apply. Family members will not be sold separately. Of course, since you cannot actually sell humans or their parts on eBay, this should be considered a sale of complete family services. It's close enough.)

JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." And he's not kidding about eBay. His website is www.greatfailure.com. Comment by clicking here.

01/02/03: A look back at a sorry but pretty funny year
12/30/02: Using 2002ís failures to make a successful 2003
12/20/02: McCartney Credit Reverse Sets A Dangerous Precedent
12/18/02: Radio talk takes a surprise hit
12/16/02: Apologies running rampant: The country is in a sorry state
12/13/02: Lott apologizes for his apologies
11/26/02: Finding the McTunity within their McFailure
11/15/02: Can the Dems learn from Lincoln's failures?
11/06/02: The Day After... who'll comfort me now?
11/04/02: We can all fight ageism!
10/29/02: Was I totally responsible for the market's upsurge?
10/09/02: Finding The Bull Within: Wall Street Needs To Rethink The "F" Word
10/01/02: Merriam-Webster Needs To Rethink the "F" word
09/25/02: Held up in the passing lane ... and life's other positive curve balls
09/23/02: Shrinking the waist problem: Using Good Old American Failure To Lose Inches
09/17/02: Earth to Florida: No more elections
09/11/02: The humor will return. Just not yet
09/09/02: Bush coalition on fast track
08/30/02: N'Sync's Bass gets NASA okay: Former astronauts Gagarin and Glenn form boy band
08/21/02: Insider trading...it's a good thing
08/05/02: America goes Madison Ave.: The Selling of America
07/29/02: ROCKIN' RENO: The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
06/14/02: Coulter for the defense?
05/21/02: SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED! Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief
05/19/02: Hey world! How about trying the shoe on the other foot hypotheses
05/13/02: AM Radio and Enron
05/03/02: "Deep Throat" to Be Revealed ... But will America Swallow It!?
04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
04/22/02: Former Liberal Seeks Conservative Book Deal
04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
04/01/02: My Uncle Miltie
03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
03/18/02: The Realies
02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is


© 2002, Steve Young