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Jewish World Review July 29, 2002 / 20 Menachem-Av 5762

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports


The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers | "Dog Bites Man" is no headline. "Man Bites Dog" is a campaign bonanza! Obviously, shameless acts of contradiction sell. Ergo, if the rhythm-challenged Janet Reno can dance for votes, the doors are now thrown wide open for so many others to throw off the shackles of their own reality and wave their particular heretofore unexposed bootie for the always much-needed moolah.

As campaign reform races ever-faster towards the strapped politicos, here are some upcoming promotional concepts that have been scheduled by those who mean to take Lady Janet's brilliant example of juxtaposition and draw from previously untapped sources of contributions and subsidies.

THE JAMES TRAFFICANT FASHION SHOW - It's the vogueiest! The finest of the world's hip style and design as the runway will be brimming with what's happenin' in fine apparel and coiffures, all described eloquently by Monsieur Trafficant's sophisticated narrative. Voila.

GRAY DAVIS' MONSTER TRACTOR PULL AND SUV DEMOLITION DERBY - Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Emissions rule at the Greenhouse Effect Arena as the governor performs wheelies and gas guzzling exhibitions of fuel waste and air polluting maneuvers with the soon to be extinct Sport Utility Van.

THE BILL SIMON MANIFESTO RECITAL - The California gubernatorial candidate joins the Beat Generation (only 45 years late) as he reads selections from his 1997-2001 tax returns and takes suggestions from the audience with which he will improvise some sort of a campaign platform.

O'DOUL'S TED KENNEDY RAVE AND BALLY'S WORKOUT - The non-alcoholic beer and wine will flow as Senator Kennedy twelve-steps his way through spinning and Tai Bo workouts while guiding supporters in sharing their past indiscretions, one day at a time.

BILL & HILLARY EXONERATION BARBECUE - There'll be plenty of sweet corn and well-done crow as Talk Radio and Fox News join forces in declaring a cease fire on the "Clintons are at fault for everything bad" agenda that has fueled their programming for the past 10 years. Rush Limbaugh, Brit Hume and Robert Novak host. Y'all come down, y'hear.

PAT BUCHANAN LIVE AT THE APOLLO - Harlem will be rockin' and rappin' all night long as the former Reform Party candidate readies himself for the 2004 election. Buchanan plans to introduce his soon to be released CD, "Pat Diddy Raps: '#@&*&* The Man And Open The Borders, 'ight?'"

THE AL GORE "MO VIN' ON" RENAISSANCE FAIRE - Hazzah! The former Vice-President un-rallies his supporters and revelers in what a release says will be a "The past is the past. I'm gonna start doing something else" celebration. Sorcery and other sleight of hand provided by the wizardry of Maid Katherine Harris. Feasting, jousting and court jestering hosted by Paul Begala and James Carville. NOTE: All Elizabethan & Dade County battle re-enactments have been canceled for this year's event.

TAILGATIN' WITH NADER'S RAIDERS - Ralph Nader bellies up to the lobbiest's bar as Enron, Adelphia. Worldcom, Tyco and AOL TimeWarner all sponsor a Green Party parking lot bash prior to the Oakland Raider's first pre-season game. Nader, who now says that his consumer oversight has been overrated and that for the first time, "consumers will be able to see that CEO's are just like real people except for their exceptional wealth built on the back of other real people and the fraudulent accounting practices that depleted the retirement statements of their employees and innocent investors." BYOB.

THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION'S CLARENCE THOMAS CONCERT - The seemingly always silent Supreme Court Justice invites all to the ABA sponsored soiree where he promises a "real happening gig!" The formerly mute Supreme pledges to not only "rock out with his peeps" but to also vote differently from Anthony Scalia on something. Backup music provided by Diana Ross.

GARY CONDIT AT THE LEARNING ANNEX - The soon-to-be ex-congressman lectures on employer ethics and sexual harassment in the workplace. Westside location.

DICK CHENEY VIEWING - The Vice President will appear...really. I'm not kidding. Held at Haliburton HQ. Sponsored by Judicial Watch.

JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of the forthcoming "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful," Tallfellow Press, 2002 Comment by clicking here.

07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
06/14/02: Coulter for the defense?
05/21/02: SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED! Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief
05/19/02: Hey world! How about trying the shoe on the other foot hypotheses
05/13/02: AM Radio and Enron
05/03/02: "Deep Throat" to Be Revealed ... But will America Swallow It!?
04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
04/22/02: Former Liberal Seeks Conservative Book Deal
04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
04/01/02: My Uncle Miltie
03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
03/18/02: The Realies
02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is


© 2002, Steve Young