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Jewish World Review Feb. 28, 2003 / 26 Adar I 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Celebrities for war

Plenty In Hollywood Behind The President...They're Just A Little Shy | The latest hit list for radio and TV talking heads has been Hollywood and its seemingly endless roster of anti-war celebrities. It's the usual suspects led by President Sheen, Drs Farrell and Clooney, Mrs. Tim Robbins and of course, the former Mr. Madonna.

The complaint from the Right is that, 'cept for Messrs Heston, Woods, Selleck and the Terminator, all of Hollywood is a hotbed for leftist, anti-war sentiment. That doesn't seem to sit all too well with those on the Left coast who believe there's plenty of in the biz who believe the President has the right idea.

The press release hasn't come out yet but it wouldn't be too hard to figure out who would be part of Celebrities For A War That Wouldn't Be All That Bad. It's exactly what they might say that is still in question, but here's a guess:

Carrot Top - "Just dial 1-800-B-L-O-W-U-P-I-R-A-Q."

Michael Jackson - "I have no problems sending our boys over. Um. They won't take any over ten, will they?"

Roman Polanski - "What he said."

Winona Ryder - "I think war is fine, but just for a part I'm going to play."

Paulie Shore - "I want to volunteer to go over there and fight.. Hell, I want to do anything."

Anna Nicole Smith - "There's a skinny person in me fighting to get out to support our boys. On second thought, if I'm honest, there's closer to thirty or forty of 'em in here."

O.J. Simpson - "Those anti-war protestors are just ignoring the bloody trail that goes from bin Laden to Hussein...and then to Bundy."

Jon Lovitz - "Sure, I'm behind going in to Iraq. Yeah, that's it. A war would be great. Yeah, that's the ticket."

Mr. Montgomery Burns - "Anything that gets rid of someone even crueler than me is...ex-cel-lent."

Simon (From American Idol) - "Just the fact that Saddam thinks he one iota of leadership talent makes me puke. He deserves to die faster than Kelly Clarkson's career."

The Dell Computer Kid - "Dude, You're Gettin' Oil...right after I do this dooby."

Jennifer Lopez - "I'm 100 % behind the war effort. In fact, I'm 100% behind."

Drew Carey - "Hey, If I can get a star on Hollywood Boulevard after one lousy show, certainly the President being right about this war thing isn't out of the realm of possibility."

Ozzy Osbourne - "I support who ever the (bleepin') President is to do whatever the (bleep) he's doing in whatever the (bleep) I'm talking about...Sharon!"

JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is Comment by clicking here.

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© 2002, Steve Young