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Jewish World Review March 20, 2003 / 16 Adar II, 5763

Andy Borowitz

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U.S. offers Saddam look-alikes amnesty, surgery to look like Cheney


Cheney look-alikes would give little-seen veep added mobility

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The U.S. today blanketed Baghdad with pamphlets offering all Saddam Hussein look-alikes in Iraq unconditional amnesty and plastic surgery to make them resemble Vice President Dick Cheney.

The leaflets, featuring photos of both the Iraqi strongman and the U.S. Vice-President, contained the following message: "Why look like this… when you could look like THIS?"

It is the Bush administration's hope that many of the Saddam look-alikes, estimated to number in the tens of thousands, will jump at the chance for a better life as Cheney look-alikes.

While the administration refused to be specific about how the Cheney look-alikes might be used, it is believed that they would be dispatched to ribbon-cutting ceremonies and state fairs, and that they might also hit the campaign trail for Republican congressional candidates.

Additionally, the Cheney look-alikes could enable the Vice President himself to make more appearances, currently limited to a once-a-month visit to "Meet the Press" in which he makes frightening pronouncements to the nation before disappearing again.

In other news, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences said that Sunday's Oscar ceremony would go on as planned, and that al Qaeda lieutenant Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would be forced to watch it in its entirety.

A spokesman for the Academy said that Oscar winners would be encouraged to make their acceptance speeches as long as they want in the hopes of wearing down the terror mastermind, who will be strapped to a chair for the duration of the telecast.

"If Richard Gere's speech doesn't make him crack, nothing will," the spokesman said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

03/18/03: 'Not the diplomatic solution I meant,' says Chirac
03/14/03: Unnamed Dem announces candidacy
03/13/03: Blair to Britain: Just kidding! Claims Iraq position was elaborate practical joke
03/07/03: Hollywood group protests war, lack of good roles for women over forty
03/04/03: Al Jazeera preempts Osama tape for Michael Jackson special
03/03/03: U.S. threatens to turn al Qaeda kingpin over to Bill O'Reilly
02/28/03: Blix: Saddam responded to Internet offer to make missile bigger
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02/13/03: Al-Jazeera refuses to air scary Kim Jung-Il tape
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02/11/03: Mercedes-Benz recalls Sedans; cars may run over cheating husbands
02/10/03: Lose the scary sunglasses, Kim Jung-Il is urged
02/07/03: Michael Jackson admits plastic surgery; France unconvinced
02/06/03: Iraqis: We were talking about beer, not weapons
01/29/03: U.N. inspectors need 'more time' to find Dems
01/28/03: Saddam's look-alikes face uncertain future
01/27/03: Rumsfeld: France, Germany are 'so over'
01/24/03: Winona Ryder takes top prize at Sundance
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01/07/03: Saddam calls weapons inspectors spies; spies demand apology
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01/03/03: Ronald McDonald gets the axe; replaced by Calista Flockhart
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12/17/02: Gore: I decided not to run in 2000, too
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12/12/02: North Korea fires minister of weapon-hiding
12/09/02: SUE THE BUMS!
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12/03/02: Microsoft buys Massachusetts
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11/15/02: FBI and CIA agree to share the letter 'I': Congressional critics call agreement 'disappointing'
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10/11/02: Waging psychological warfare, U.S. drops VCR manuals on Iraq
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09/13/02: Airlines ban back-shaving on all domestic flights
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09/09/02: GE still paying for Welch's crack, 'women'
09/06/02: Britney Spears' year off poses dire eco-threat
09/04/02: Air marshals defend 'controlled scaring' policy
09/03/02: Airlines to charge extra for airsickness bags
08/29/02: ABC admits it has no idea what it is doing
08/28/02: Steroid makers threaten strike
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08/26/02: Gore travels U.S. dressed as hobo
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05/02/02 Arafat placed under house arrest with former Sotheby's exec
05/01/02 Minnelli marriage enters Day 47, baffling experts
04/30/02 Saudis increase production of bossy foreign policy lectures
04/25/02: AlGore regrets breakdancing incident
04/23/02: Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
04/22/02: O.J. calls Robert Blake murder case 'derivative'
04/19/02: Ally McBeal goes on eating rampage
04/18/02: In latest doctored tape, Osama appears at Liza Minnelli's wedding
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04/16/02: Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar to appear on VH1's 'where are they now?'
04/12/02: Ken Lay declares moral bankruptcy
04/10/02: FAA pronounces 'runaway plane' experiment a success
04/10/02: Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'
04/09/02: Oprah closes book club, opens pie club
04/08/02: Fearing request to go to Afghanistan, Phil Donahue flees to MSNBC
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03/31/02: U2's Bono proposes sweeping social security overhaul
03/26/02: NBC to air ads for crack
03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/15/02: ROSIE: I'M A POLAR BEAR
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
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02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
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01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
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01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
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01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS

© 2003, Andy Borowitz