Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review June 13, 2002 /3 Tamuz, 5762

Andy Borowitz

Michael Barone
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Victims of Eminem's latest verbal assaults agree to mend their ways



Lynne Cheney, Moby, Thousands of Others Take Rapper's Criticisms to Heart

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | A diverse collection of celebrities, political figures, and family members who were singled out for vituperative attack in "The Eminem Show," the hot-selling new CD by the rapper Eminem, announced today that they would attempt to mend their ways in accordance with Eminem's criticisms.

"Eminem pointed out a number of things I did that were hypocritical and wrong-headed," said Lynne V. Cheney, wife of Vice-President Dick Cheney. "Upon reflection, I now see that he is absolutely right -- and I want to offer my sincerest apology."

"It is my hope," Mrs. Cheney continued, "that if I work hard enough to improve my behavior, I will someday earn Eminem's trust."

Mrs. Cheney's decision to take Eminem's profane attack in the spirit of constructive criticism was echoed by the electronic musician Moby.

"I never realized how lame I was until I heard Eminem astutely mention it on his CD," Moby said. "He's really given me a lot to think about - and to work on."

Eminem, however, remained unmoved by his victims' contrite statements, issuing a statement of his own in which he repeated his oft-stated desire that they contract incurable diseases and die.

"We hear you," Mrs. Cheney said.

The meeting of Eminem's victims, numbering in the thousands, filled the Los Angeles Convention Center over the past three days to overflow capacity, snarling traffic throughout the downtown area.

The meeting featured motivational speakers and several educational workshops with names like "How to Make Eminem Like You More" and "If Eminem Says You're A Ho, You Probably Are."

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

06/10/02: June 17 named 'Athletes Obey the Law Day'
05/29/02: Bush urges CIA to pretend FBI agents are Russian spies
05/28/02: U.S. issues list of 5,000 bad things that might happen someday
05/22/02 Depression screening reveals: 98% of Americans depressed
05/20/02 Woody Allen sightings up sharply in 2002
05/16/02 Carter, in Wisconsin, sees no evidence of cheese
05/09/02 Showing commitment to democracy, Pakistan's leader runs negative ads against himself
05/07/02 Bush to dump cheney, run with Ozzy Osbourne in '04
05/06/02 'Spider-Man' film riddled with inaccuracies, says man with way too much time on his hands
05/02/02 Arafat placed under house arrest with former Sotheby's exec
05/01/02 Minnelli marriage enters Day 47, baffling experts
04/30/02 Saudis increase production of bossy foreign policy lectures
04/25/02: AlGore regrets breakdancing incident
04/23/02: Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
04/22/02: O.J. calls Robert Blake murder case 'derivative'
04/19/02: Ally McBeal goes on eating rampage
04/18/02: In latest doctored tape, Osama appears at Liza Minnelli's wedding
04/17/02: Segway creator invents 'round thingy'
04/16/02: Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar to appear on VH1's 'where are they now?'
04/12/02: Ken Lay declares moral bankruptcy
04/10/02: FAA pronounces 'runaway plane' experiment a success
04/10/02: Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'
04/09/02: Oprah closes book club, opens pie club
04/08/02: Fearing request to go to Afghanistan, Phil Donahue flees to MSNBC
04/05/02: Halle Berry still sobbing uncontrollably
04/02/02: Baseball players strike
04/01/02: Laughter no longer the best medicine
03/31/02: U2's Bono proposes sweeping social security overhaul
03/26/02: NBC to air ads for crack
03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/15/02: ROSIE: I'M A POLAR BEAR
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS

© 2002, Andy Borowitz