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Jewish World Review Feb. 1, 2002 / 19 Shevat, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM



League to Pay Diva $40 Million to Stop Singing at Superbowl

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com --
PLANS are underway for the National Football League to dismiss Mariah Carey during the diva's performance at this Sunday's Superbowl in New Orleans, league officials announced today.

While the league was not forthcoming as to the exact moment at which Ms. Carey would be shown the door, there seems to be a consensus to fire the singer after the words "the rockets' red glare."

There is some support, however, for firing Ms. Carey as early as "can you see."

The NFL will pay Ms. Carey $40 million dollars to stop singing, league officials said, which is believed to be the largest sum ever paid to induce a recording artist not to perform at the Superbowl.

An armored car carrying the $40 million in small bills will drive directly onto the playing field to persuade Ms. Carey to desist, officials said.

At that point, according to the league office, superstar Whitney Houston will appear on the field and conclude the nation anthem to a thunderous standing ovation.

Recording industry insiders acknowledged that being fired mid-song during the Superbowl was not a positive for Ms. Carey's career, but said that the diva should not be counted out just yet.

"If I were Mariah's management, I'd see this as a time for her to regroup and focus on singing the national anthem of a smaller country, like Canada or Ecuador," one insider said.



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz