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Jewish World Review Jan. 30, 2002 / 17 Shevat, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS



Five-Hour Speech Finally Ends When Neighbors Call Police

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com --
FORMER President Bill Clinton, hoping to establish an annual tradition for his retirement years, delivered his first "State of Chappaqua Address" last night from the roof of his suburban home.

The President's trademark hoarse voice could be heard booming throughout the leafy community, amplified by a handheld megaphone the former President had purchased at Radio Shack earlier in the day.

The wide-ranging speech, which covered such topics as Chappaqua's schools, traffic, and commerce lasted five hours and threatened to continue well into the wee hours of the morning.

But angry neighbors flooded the police with calls, demanding that the authorities tell the former President to stop speaking at once.

Chappaqua residents appeared dismayed and exasperated by the former President's long-winded address, which several neighbors described as the most tedious speech thay had ever heard.

"When he first moved here and started driving around with 'Do You Think I'm Sexy?' blasting from his car stereo, I thought it couldn't get any worse than that," said Carl Bolton, a neighbor of the former President. "Now I know that it can -- much worse."

Other residents were more sympathetic with the plight of the former President, who has seemed restless of late in this sleepy New York hamlet.

"You have to feel sorry for him," said resident Ben Tarkow. "He's really seemed bummed out ever since his wife made him take down that telescope."



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz