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Jewish World Review March 7, 2002 / 23 Adar, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News



Pop Diva Joins Animated Sensation SpongeBob SquarePants In Network News Revamp

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | In the latest shake-up at ABC News, the network announced today that sultry video diva Jennifer Lopez will replace Peter Jennings as anchor of the network's signature "World News Tonight" broadcast.

Ms. Lopez will assume her duties on the program, renamed "J to Tha Lo and the Booty-licious News," starting next Monday.

The network also announced plans to dump hosts Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts from its Sunday morning news program "This Week" and replace them with the popular animated cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants.

The decision to hire Mr. SquarePants was seen by broadcast industry insiders as a particularly shrewd one, since the sponge-like cartoon character's audience is considerably younger than that of Mr. Donaldson and Ms. Roberts.

At press time, the only two ABC news personalities still employed by ABC News appeared to be Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters, but their roles were being dramatically scaled back to one steel-cage wrestling match a week.

In New York, ABC News President David Westin was reportedly blindsided by all of these explosive developments, having first learned about them from Jake the shoeshine man in the ABC News lobby.

A statement released by his bosses at ABC attempted to explain Mr. Westin's burgeoning cluelessness.

"It has been the policy of ABC for some time not to tell David Westin anything," the statement read.

The statement went on to say that Mr. Westin knew nothing of ABC's recent pursuit of David Letterman, the Donaldson and Roberts firings, or the war in Afghanistan.



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS

© 2002, Andy Borowitz