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Jewish World Review Feb. 28, 2002 / 16 Adar, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Katie Couric demands that 'today' start at noon



Would Allow Host to Sleep Late, Go to Gym

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com --
JUST weeks after signing a $60 million contract to continue as host of NBC's "Today Show," Katie Couric has demanded that the program air at twelve noon to enable her to sleep late and go to the gym, a spokesman for Ms. Couric said today.

"Quite frankly, Katie Couric's sleep is more important than NBC's precious little show," said the spokesman, Mel Slade. "If they want Katie to start getting up early enough to be on the air at seven, they're going to have to pay her the big bucks."

If NBC agrees to Ms. Couric's demands and delays the program until twelve, that would make "Today" the first morning show on television ever to air in the afternoon.

In addition, Mr. Slade said, on days when Ms. Couric "doesn't really feel like doing the show," she is demanding that a high-tech digital "hostbot" sit in for her.

The "hostbot" is just one item on a lengthy laundry list of demands submitted by the increasingly cranky morning personality.

Ms. Couric is looking to be paid extra for introducing Al Roker's weather segments, for interviewing "super-boring" guests such as Sandra Bullock, and for acknowledging co-host Matt Lauer's existence.

All tolled, Ms. Couric's renegotiated contract could net the "Today" host as much as five zillion dollars a year, according to TV industry insiders.

Most of those insiders believe that NBC is likely to agree to Ms. Couric's demands, for fear of losing her unique talent to the up-and-coming Fox News Channel.

Fox has reportedly offered Ms. Couric ten zillion dollars a year to do absolutely nothing.



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz