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Jewish World Review Feb. 26, 2002 / 14 Adar, 5762
Andy Borowitz
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com --
Those are the findings of Dr. Franklin Glaser of the National Paper-Testing Institute in Bethesda, Maryland, who says that Enron stock certificates are printed on paper that is "far below acceptable standards for negotiable securities" and that has "no value" for such other purposes as gift-wrap or placemats. "People stuck with Enron stock in their 401k accounts may have comforted themselves with the thought that they could use it to make festive paper hats," Dr. Glaser said. "Unfortunately, if they try to fold an Enron stock certificate, it will dissolve into dust." Not only are Enron stock certificates worthless, they may actually be dangerous, Dr. Glaser said. "In lab tests, our team found that Enron stock certificates, on occasion, spontaneously combust or explode when touched," Dr. Glaser said. "This makes them highly unsuitable for most uses in the home or office." It is extremely unusual, Dr. Glaser said, for stock certificates to be printed on paper stock that dissolves, burns up, or explodes when handled, but his team has a theory to explain the phenomenon.
The paper experts believe that Enron stock was mistakenly printed on a special
self-destructing paper stock intended for Enron spreadsheets, accounting
statements and transcripts of meetings with Vice-President Richard
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