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Jewish World Review Feb. 26, 2002 / 14 Adar, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say



Stock Certificates Dissolve, Spontaneously Combust On Contact, Tests Show

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com --
For weeks, Enron shareholders have been hearing that their stock isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Now comes word that the paper it's printed on is worthless, too.

Those are the findings of Dr. Franklin Glaser of the National Paper-Testing Institute in Bethesda, Maryland, who says that Enron stock certificates are printed on paper that is "far below acceptable standards for negotiable securities" and that has "no value" for such other purposes as gift-wrap or placemats.

"People stuck with Enron stock in their 401k accounts may have comforted themselves with the thought that they could use it to make festive paper hats," Dr. Glaser said. "Unfortunately, if they try to fold an Enron stock certificate, it will dissolve into dust."

Not only are Enron stock certificates worthless, they may actually be dangerous, Dr. Glaser said.

"In lab tests, our team found that Enron stock certificates, on occasion, spontaneously combust or explode when touched," Dr. Glaser said. "This makes them highly unsuitable for most uses in the home or office."

It is extremely unusual, Dr. Glaser said, for stock certificates to be printed on paper stock that dissolves, burns up, or explodes when handled, but his team has a theory to explain the phenomenon.

The paper experts believe that Enron stock was mistakenly printed on a special self-destructing paper stock intended for Enron spreadsheets, accounting statements and transcripts of meetings with Vice-President Richard Cheney.



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

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02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS

© 2002, Andy Borowitz