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Jewish World Review May 16, 2002 /5 Sivan, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Carter, in Wisconsin, sees no evidence of cheese



Recently Failed Eye Test, Former President Admits

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Fresh from his successful fact-finding trip to Cuba, former President Jimmy Carter visited Wisconsin today and said that he found "no evidence of cheese" anywhere in the state.

"I am confident that there is no cheese anywhere in Wisconsin," Mr. Carter said after completing his tour of the state's dairy farms, cheese-making facilities and cheese storage warehouses.

Mr. Carter's pronouncement about the absence of cheese in Wisconsin drew a tart rebuke from the Department of Agriculture.

"Wisconsin is lousy with cheese," one Agriculture official said. "Has that meddling fool had his eyes checked lately?"

In response, Mr. Carter acknowledged that he had, in fact, failed a recent eye test, and that he had also recently mistaken his wife Rosalyn for former national security advisor Zbignew Brzezinski.

He also admitted that, possibly as a result of his vision problems, he had recently hit his thumb with a hammer "eighty or ninety times" while building a home for Habitat for Humanity.

In addition, Mr. Carter said, the secret service had recently changed his code name to "Mr. Magoo."

While Mr. Carter said that he was looking forward to briefing President Bush about his visits to Cuba and Wisconsin, White House sources said the President had no intention of meeting with Mr. Carter, and would instead try to trick the former President by having him talk to a hand puppet operated by senior advisor Karl Rove.



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz