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Jewish World Review April 2, 2002 / 20 Nisan, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Baseball players strike



Demand 'Extra Payment' For Running to First Base

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | With the new baseball season barely underway, major league players went on strike today over what some observers are calling the most divisive issue to hit the game in years: the right to be paid extra for running to first base.

"For years, baseball players have been running to first base for free - and we're fed up," said players' rep Ted Cooley in a press briefing in Anaheim, California yesterday.

"It is high time that the owners stop treating us like indentured servants and start treating us like the entitled millionaires that we are," Cooley said.

Under the formula presented by the players' union, a player would receive $1000 extra for running to first base, $5,000 for running to second, $10,000 for running to third, and $25,000 for running home.

In addition, ATM machines would be posted at all four bases so that players could receive their so-called "base-running surcharge" in a timely fashion.

Predictably, the owners responded to the players' strike demands with howls of protest.

"If the players want to get paid extra for what they do, then we owners should get paid extra for what we do, which is absolutely nothing," one owner said.

To bolster their objections, the owners released a sobering report that predicted that by the year 2009, the price of an average baseball ticket would soar to $8,000, not including parking or peanuts.

The report drew an immediate reaction from players' rep Ted Cooley.

"If the owners are going to start charging $8000 a ticket," he said, "we want to get paid extra for showering."



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz