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Jewish World Review April 19, 2002 /8 Iyar, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Ally McBeal goes on eating rampage



Hits Olive Garden, Sizzler in Three-State Thrill-Swill Spree

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Just moments after Fox TV cancelled her "Ally McBeal" series, wafer-like actress Calista Flockhart ate her way through several Olive Garden, Sizzler, and Outback Steakhouse restaurants in a frightening display of gluttony covering three Western states.

"It was like watching a feral cat who'd been forced to diet for five years," said Boyce Grayson, who works in the kitchen at the Stockton, California Sizzler and witnessed Ms. Flockhart tear into a raw side of beef, devouring it in five minutes flat.

The Golden Globe-winning actress received the news of her show's cancellation yesterday morning, a friend said, while eating her usual breakfast - a glass of bottled water and a grape - with her boyfriend, actor Harrison Ford.

"The minute she heard the news, she ripped the bagel and schmear out of Harrison's hand and swallowed it whole," the friend said. "He said he was afraid for his life."

The suddenly omnivorous Flockhart then drove to a Denny's restaurant in Hollywood, but "went totally batshit" when she learned that it was too late to order Denny's "Grand Slam" breakfast special.

Instead, witnesses said, Ms. Flockhart ate several chairs and a cigarette machine.

Ms. Flockhart is currently at large and could be hard to identify, forensic experts say, because she may have gained between seventy and eighty pounds in the last twenty-four hours alone.

In Washington, D.C., Homeland Defense czar Tom Ridge put the nation on a Flockhart-driven "red" alert.

"Until we can find and subdue Calista Flockhart, it is essential that every American not leave any donuts, Danishes, or crullers unattended," Ridge said.



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz