Jewish World Review April 10, 2002 / 29 Nisan, 5762
Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old
New Channel To Feature Embittered, Cranky Network Castoffs
Newsman Ted Koppel shocked the broadcast industry today by spurning
Disney/ABC's offer to keep "Nightline" on the air another two years, saying simply,
"That **^%& Michael Eisner can stick it where the sun don't shine, pardon my
Instead, he will join forces with another sanctimonious, oddly coiffed TV vet, Louis
Rukeyser, to launch a new cable service, The Angry Old Bums Network.
"There is an enormous audience out there just waiting for cranky, pompous old
gasbags to scold them all day," Koppel said in a New York press conference. "We
are those gasbags."
The new network, Koppel said, "will feature po-ed, angry old 'muthahs' who
think that everyone else in the TV business should kiss their a--."
Seizing the microphone from Koppel, tedious financial wizard Rukeyser launched
into yet another of his trademark narcissistic attacks on his former employers,
Maryland Public Television.
"By taking me off television, Maryland Public Television has committed a grievous
crime against humanity," Rukeyser said. "They must be punished by all the
right-thinking men and women in the world."
Calling Maryland Public Television "The Great Satan," Rukeyser urged his fans "to
rise up and destroy this putrid den of evildoers."
In response, executives at Maryland Public Television said they decided to eliminate
Rukeyser from the "Wall Street" program only after his last remaining viewer, the
Queen Mother, passed away last
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz