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Jewish World Review April 10, 2002 / 29 Nisan, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Rukeyser, Koppel to launch 'Angry Old Bums network'



New Channel To Feature Embittered, Cranky Network Castoffs

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Newsman Ted Koppel shocked the broadcast industry today by spurning Disney/ABC's offer to keep "Nightline" on the air another two years, saying simply, "That **^%& Michael Eisner can stick it where the sun don't shine, pardon my French."

Instead, he will join forces with another sanctimonious, oddly coiffed TV vet, Louis Rukeyser, to launch a new cable service, The Angry Old Bums Network.

"There is an enormous audience out there just waiting for cranky, pompous old gasbags to scold them all day," Koppel said in a New York press conference. "We are those gasbags."

The new network, Koppel said, "will feature po-ed, angry old 'muthahs' who think that everyone else in the TV business should kiss their a--."

Seizing the microphone from Koppel, tedious financial wizard Rukeyser launched into yet another of his trademark narcissistic attacks on his former employers, Maryland Public Television.

"By taking me off television, Maryland Public Television has committed a grievous crime against humanity," Rukeyser said. "They must be punished by all the right-thinking men and women in the world."

Calling Maryland Public Television "The Great Satan," Rukeyser urged his fans "to rise up and destroy this putrid den of evildoers."

In response, executives at Maryland Public Television said they decided to eliminate Rukeyser from the "Wall Street" program only after his last remaining viewer, the Queen Mother, passed away last week.



JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

04/09/02: Oprah closes book club, opens pie club
04/08/02: Fearing request to go to Afghanistan, Phil Donahue flees to MSNBC
04/05/02: Halle Berry still sobbing uncontrollably
04/02/02: Baseball players strike
04/01/02: Laughter no longer the best medicine
03/31/02: U2's Bono proposes sweeping social security overhaul
03/26/02: NBC to air ads for crack
03/19/02: Celebrity boxing, Minnelli wedding spark fears of national has-been shortage
03/18/02: In latest mix-up, bin Laden receives Minnesota driver's license
03/15/02: ROSIE: I'M A POLAR BEAR
03/13/02: Gore loses bid to run 'shadow government'
03/11/02: Condit blows job interview with Blockbuster Video
03/08/02: Comedians demand Condit recount
03/07/02: Jennings out, J-Lo in at ABC News
03/06/02: Dennis Miller takes obscure, hard-to-understand parting shot at ABC
03/05/02: Pentagon, shutting down lying office, will shift lie-telling duties to other government agencies
03/04/02: Britney Spears is not a girl
02/28/02: Katie Couric demands that 'Today' start at noon
02/26/02: Paper that Enron stock is printed on is worthless, too, paper experts say
02/21/02: Kenneth Lay to head Pentagon's global lying effort
02/20/02: Johnny Cochran: 'Walker was framed!'
02/14/02: 'Friends' cast 900 times more talented than Sir Laurence Olivier, experts say
02/13/02: Athlete without compelling personal drama expelled from Olympics
02/11/02: In major gaffe, Mrs. Kenneth Lay appears on MTV's "Cribs"
02/07/02: CIA using Mariah Carey film in Al Qaeda interrogations
02/04/02: Tyson to fight himself in Japan
02/01/02: NFL PLANS TO FIRE MARIAH CAREY DURING NATIONAL ANTHEM
01/30/02: CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST 'STATE OF CHAPPAQUA' ADDRESS
01/21/02: OSAMA GIVES GERALDO THE SLIP
01/17/02: QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
01/15/02: ENRON MAY NOT BE BIGGEST CROOKS IN HISTORY, EXPERT SAYS
01/11/02: U.S. ATTEMPTS TO LURE OSAMA WITH AD IN PERSONALS

© 2002, Andy Borowitz