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Jewish World Review July 12, 2002 /3 Av, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Baseball takes bold steps to alienate remaining fans



Commissioner Selig Declares All Future Games 'A Tie'

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Major League Baseball is about to take a series of bold steps with the stated goal of alienating its remaining fans forever.

"At baseball stadiums across the country, it is too hard to find parking spots, and one must wait on long lines for beer and bathrooms," Mr. Selig said. "All of these problems have the same source: simply put, the sport has too many fans."

As Mr. Selig's first step in his plan to achieve contraction of baseball's fan base, the commissioner declared all games to be played for the remainder of the 2002 season a tie.

"The score's tied, fans, so please, don't watch the game," Mr. Selig said. "Watch wrestling or NASCAR instead."

In addition, Mr. Selig said, it would now take nine strikes to strike out a batter instead of the traditional three, a rule-change aimed at making the average game six and a half hours long.

These changes, along with the outlawing of home runs and stolen bases, should reduce baseball's popularity to the level of badminton or curling, Mr. Selig promised.

In addition, the Commissioner said, the traditional seventh-inning stretch will now entail the playing of a thirty-minute section from rocker Lou Reed's album "Metal Machine Music," during which time stadium ushers will move about the stands, poking spectators with sharp sticks.

In related news, Mr. Selig praised the Cleveland Indians organization for a series of recent cost-cutting moves which have transformed a once dominant team into an unwatchable train wreck.

Earlier today, the Indians announced that they were trading their last two remaining stars, shortstop Omar Vizquel and slugger Jim Thome, for a pack of Juicy Fruit chewing gum and a really cool Hot Wheels car.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz