Jewish World Review August 29, 2002 / 21 Elul, 5762
ABC admits it has no
idea what it is doing
May spark trend of corporate incompetence disclosures
The ratings-parched ABC television network admitted today that it has no idea what
it is doing, an extraordinary statement that some industry-watchers believe may lead
to similar incompetence disclosures from other major media companies.
ABC, which recently decided to air reruns of programs that already aired on cable
networks in the place of its own hideous programming, had been suspected of not
knowing what it was doing for some time.
But still, today's announcement was stunning in its bluntness.
"We'd like to stand here and say that we've had a run of bad luck here at ABC," said
Steven Kelvin, a network spokesman. "But the simple fact of the matter is, we don't
know what the hell we're doing."
ABC's incompetence disclosure sent the stock of parent company Disney soaring
on the NYSE, a surge that surprised some equity analysts.
But Sarah Benham of Credit Suisse First Boston said that the price spike made
sense, since ABC's admission that they do not know their ass from a hole in the
ground will be a net positive for the company going forward.
"Now that they've admitted that they don't know how to program the network, they
can concentrate on other tasks that have baffled them in the past, like working the
copy machine and brewing coffee," Ms. Benham said.
The rally in Disney stock may inspire other media companies to issue corporate
incompetence disclosures of their own, such as the clueless French media giant
Vivendi-Universal and Castle Rock Entertainment, producers of the recent Eddie
Murphy stinker "The Adventures of Pluto Nash."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz